The Broken Girl
by thecornergirl
Summary: AU/AH Bella and Edward had been in love once, many years ago. Now, Bella's life has crumbled and she's forced to try to piece it together again, while Edward has move on and away. Or has he? Will her love from the past come back to help slay her demons?
1. Chapter 1

**Twilight and all of its characters were created by Stephenie Meyer.**

**A/N:**

**_**If you're coming into this as a His Salvation fan, please note that this story will be a lot different and a lot darker. It's a couple of years in the future and a lot has happened in that time, most of which will unfold for us throughout this story. As I've warned before, it's the only way I could revisit this particular story. I am going to do my best to keep my characters true to themselves, as I think the characters are what everyone loved from His Salvation, but they have a lot to work through first, lol. However, as always I have a plan. ;o)  
><strong>_**

_This is actually a sequel to my story His Salvation, but as that's a very long story and the first part of it kind of flounders, I have a hard time justifying making new readers go back and read it before coming here. So, although this will be written as a sequel it will also be written in a way that allows it to stand alone. There are a couple of years difference for the characters between the two stories, which help to make them separate stories. I honestly don't think anyone reading this who did not read the previous story will have a hard time keeping up - they'll be such different stories that it might actually be easier on you.  
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_Having said that, here are a couple of things that new readers should know coming into this story, and past readers might need refreshing on. First, Edward and Alice are twins who were adopted by Esme and Carlisle - they have toned down versions of their powers. Emmett was adopted shortly after them. Rose and Jasper are brother and sister - their parents died and they went to live with Esme, who is their aunt, and Carlisle. And I think that brings us up to date with any pertinent information for this story. There might be some confusing areas in this first chapter, but they'll be confusing to everyone and not just new readers. Questions about the characters pasts and why everyone is where they're at will be answered throughout this story._

_I'll try to keep future A/N sections short and sweet. _

_Thanks._

**Bella: Phoenix, Arizona.**

_"Bella? Bella!"_

_"Oh my god, Emmett. I think she's…"_

_"Call 911, Rose! Hurry!"_

_"Come on, baby girl. Hold on for…can…please…"_

_"They're coming. Oh, god, Em. We should hav…"_

_"…we couldn't have known. She's like Edward, too good at hiding things."_

_"I have to call…"_

_"…wait till we're at the hospital, till we know more."_

_"Please, please, let them hurry."_

_"Come on Bells, don't do this to us. Don't leave us, baby girl..."_

I was being pulled under, without hope. The tide was too strong and I knew instinctively that this was the end. My body would gasp for breath one last traitorous time, allowing the cold, dark waters that surrounded me to claim me as their own, forever more. Dispair and anger welled up inside me. Knowing this was going to be my final fate, a bitterness so strong overwhelmed me, so much so that I could almost taste it. Imagining my parents reaction upon hearing of my death, imagining their dispair, I knew for their sake I'd have to try one last desperate time.

The current drug me along, slamming my body into a large boulder on the river floor, causing a jolt of pain along my entire right side. The pain reminded me that I was still alive, still fighting. Using the last of my strength, I slammed my feet into the riverbed bellow me, pushing myself up with everything I had. Kicking ferociously, I swam up, desperately hoping I'd make the surface in time. But as my lungs screamed out their resistance, with the light from the surface still so far away, I knew I'd never make it. As my body began to convulse I cried out one last time knowing that the sound would never reach human ears. My mouth opened and I gasped as the cold water slid down my throat, and I knew death was coming for me.

As I began to lose consciousness I heard a noise that was incongruous with the violence of the river surrounding me. Over the noise of the waters rushing past me, and now through me, in me, a part of me, I could faintly make out a "beep...beep...beep" noise. I had only a half second to register this oddity before unconsciousness came, and death finally claimed me for her own.

I awoke, gasping for air, feeling as if I hadn't breathed in an eternity. Relief over finding myself alive was quickly replaced by the fear that I wouldn't be staying that way for long. Coughs racked my body, and I had just enough time to register that I had somehow found myself laying in a bed when I leaned over it and vomited all over the floor. Tears streamed down my face, both from fear and pain. My body, though alive, was in bad shape.

I felt a hand gently rub my back as a familiar voice made soothing noises from behind me, in what I knew was an attempt to calm me. My vomiting turned to dry heaves, which eventually let up. Slowly, I caught my breath again and opened my eyes. I looked down at the floor under the bed to see that I had vomited a dark gritty substance, and wondered if it had come from the river that had almost taken my life. Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I was finally able to lean back and take in my surroundings.

It had been Rose's hand on my back, waiting patiently as I regained control over my body. "It's okay, Bella, we're here," she said soothingly, as she moved her hand from my back around to grasp my hand.

Behind her, standing silhouetted in front of a window across the room, stood Emmett, looking paler and more frightened than I'd ever seen. His eyes, normally full of laughter, looked haunted, and I could see he was having a hard time meeting my gaze.

I didn't bother talking, instead I took in the room around me. The beeping of the machines around me, the tubes hooked up to me, let me know without having to ask that I was in a hospital. I closed my eyes as panic set in, but forced it down as I asked the question I needed answered. "My parents," I croaked, my throat raw, feeling as if I had swallowed fire. "Did someone tell them I was rescued? That I didn't drown? Is Charlie here?"

A long, tense silence was all the answer I got. Confused, I opened my eyes to look over at Rose and Em, both of whom looked even more frightened now than they had a minute ago. "What's wrong," I asked. "Where are they?"

"Bella, what are you talking about?" Rose asked, hesitantly.

"My dad, Charlie... is he here? Did someone call my mom?" I repeated, not sure what was going on.

"Bells... your parents are dead, they have been for a while now... remember? And you didn't drown, baby girl, you tried to kill yourself. You swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills, right?" Emmett answered.

"What?" I asked, scared now and confused. "No, that's not right. I was... I was in a river and I was drowning. The water was crushing me and I didn't think I'd ever get out..." I trailed off, realizing I didn't actually know how I had managed to get out. And then it hit me, there had been no river, it had been dream, a nightmare, which meant...

"Oh, God. My parents are dead. I forgot that my parents are dead. How could I forget?" And just like that my world shattered again, as it had a million times over the past few years, as it forever would. My parents weren't here to comfort me because they couldn't be, they were both dead, and I was still alone.

Grief washed over me as the tears came. I knew how it had to look, crying like this when my parents had been dead for so long now, but I didn't care. The despair was too strong for me to fight. I rolled away from Rose and curled up in a ball, wrapping my body up with my arms as I tried to make myself as small as possible.

Rose climbed up onto the bed behind me, wrapping herself protectively around my body. Emmett came around to the other side of the bed, grabbing my hand before leaning over, touching his forehead to my own, stroking my hair gently as he did. "You're not alone, Bells. We're here for you. We'll always be here for you."

Through my tears I nodded my head, acknowledging his words. They were my family now, the only family I had left at this point. I was grateful for their presence in my life, even as the guilt of them being here with me overwhelmed me. As my tears began to fade I drifted off again into unconsciousness.

I slowly came awake again to voices talking in the room. I had no idea how long I'd been out for, but I felt sore and groggy, and I had to fight to maintain my precarious hold on consciousness. I laid there silently with my eyes close, just trying to get control over myself and absorb the situation. I could clearly hear Emmett's voice off in the corner, followed by Rose's and an unfamiliar voice. I gathered the third voice to be that of the doctor.

"Physically, she should be fine. You got to her in time to keep the medication she swallowed from damaging her organs, but someone from psych will be down to talk to her once she wakes up, and whether or not she'll be released will be dependent on how that goes. I'd expect her to be admitted for at least forty-eight hours, though, to be monitored," the voice belonging to the doctor said.

"What about after that?" Rose asked.

"It will depend on whether she's deemed a threat to herself. I'm sorry, that's all I can tell you at this point. Let one of the nurses know when she wakes and someone will be down from psych to review her file," the doctor answered before heading out the door, shutting it behind himself.

I didn't have the energy to deal with what I knew would most likely be an emotional scene upon my waking, so I laid there and continued to pretend I was still asleep. The numbness that had gone away in that brief moment before I remembered my parents death was back, settling over me like a heavy woolen blanket, ever weighing me down. The sadness had returned, my constant enemy. At least I was back in familiar territory.

I thought about having to spend the next forty-eight hours in this place and felt the panic welling up, but even that took too much energy to sustain, so instead I resigned myself to being stuck here for a while.

My hatred and fear of hospitals hadn't always been a problem for me. Once upon a time I'd even seen them as good places, places you would go to get healed. Not anymore. Too many bad things happened in my life within the walls of these so-called healing institutes. Now they just represented everything I hated about my life.

"What are we going to do?" Emmett whispered, obviously still unaware that I had woken up.

"I called Esme, she's flying out here tomorrow," Rose answered.

"And what does she think she can do that we haven't already tried?" There was just the faintest trace of bitterness in Emmett's voice as he spoke, and not for the first time I felt overwhelming guilt over what I'd put him and Rose through.

If I could just be normal again... why was that so much to ask? But no, I'd become this shell of a person, not quite living and unable to even find the energy to try. And as I sank under I had brought Emmett and Rose with me, the two people on this earth who I would do almost anything for, the only two people I had left to love. And instead of protecting them, as they deserved, I'd put them through hell.

I made a promise to myself that no matter what happened, that as soon as I got out of the hospital I'd remove myself from their lives. I wouldn't continue to hurt them like this. I wouldn't bring them down with me.

"I don't know, Em," Rose quietly answered Emmett's bitter question, "but we need help here. We're losing her, maybe we're even too late already. She's just wasting away here with us, and I think the only reason she waited this long to try something was for our sake. But we're not enough, and I'm not willing to let her go without trying everything in our power to help her, and I think Esme will know what to do. I think she'll know what Bella needs to be able to pull through this."

"We're not leaving her, though," Emmett replied, the vehemence in his voice catching me off guard. I would have thought that they'd be ready to rid their life of the problem that was me, but apparently not. They were too loyal for their own good. "Whatever happens, whatever Esme says, we're not leaving her."

"No, we're a family, a team, and that's not going to change anytime soon. We stick together, as we always do."

I was going to open my eyes and argue with them, to ask them how they could want to stick with me after everything I had put them through, but in the end I knew it would just be easier if I slipped quietly out of their lives. They'd never let me go on their own, it was time for me to forcefully remove myself. And as something close to determination settled over me, I drifted off to sleep again.

When I woke again it was to a soft hand stroking my hair. I knew without having to open my eyes that it wasn't Rose's this time. While Rose comforted when she thought I needed it, it was always somewhat hesitantly, as if she wasn't sure she was doing it right. This touch, however, felt different; confident and yet still very caring, and just like that recognition struck me.

"Esme," I whispered, before I could stop myself.

"I'm here, love. I'm here," she answered.

I opened my eyes to see her sitting on a chair next to the bed, leaning over me, her familiar smile subdued, but still there. I hadn't seen her in years, but she looked almost exactly the same. Maybe there were a few more lines around her eyes, but she still looked every bit as beautiful as she ever did.

I sat up, pulling away from her as I did and, with a sigh, she let me. I must have slept straight through the night right into the next afternoon sometime by the look of the light coming in through the window. We were alone in my room, and I wondered how she'd convinced Rose and Em to leave me, but was glad she had. They'd need a break from me, from this.

"How long have you been here?" I asked.

"We just got in about an hour ago."

"We?" I asked.

"Carlisle is with me."

I was surprised at that, having assumed he'd stay behind because of work. After a second of thought, I took this to be a good sign. If Carlisle was with her they wouldn't be staying long; he'd never be able to pull himself away from the hospital back home for more than a day or two on such short notice.

"Where is he?" I asked.

"Out speaking to your doctor, and probably trying to convince Rose and Emmett to go home and rest for a bit."

Again, the guilt rose up in me. Their life would have been so much better if I'd have managed to finish the job last night, like I had intended. Those damn pills hadn't worked fast enough; next time, though, I'd be better prepared.

"How are you feeling, Bella?"

"I'm fine," I lied. "It was just a stupid mistake, nothing to worry about and certainly not a big enough deal to have you fly all the way out here."

"Bella, Carlisle and I have had a long talk with Rose and Emmett and we know that you're far from fine right now, hun. I'm sorry, I know you're going to want to push this off as if it's no big deal, but it is. You're not fine, you need help, which is why we're here."

"Esme, no, it's really not a big deal. I just need some rest and I'll be back to my normal self again. Please, you and Carlisle should just go back home. I'd hate to see you stuck out here because of this."

"You are going to rest and you will be fine again, but it will be back home with us," she answered, and although her voice was a sweet as ever, I could hear the determination behind her words.

"Wait, what?" I asked, confused.

"It's already been settled. Carlisle talked to your doctors here and they've agreed to release you into our care. They'll still have to talk to you, but that's just a formality. We've already bought your plane ticket, you're going to fly home and stay with us for the summer and if you're doing better come fall, and up for it again, you can fly back out here in time for your senior year."

"No, I'm not flying back with you. Can you even make me do that? The doctors surely don't have that kind of control over my life," I said, panic washing over me now. I couldn't go back there, not now, not like this.

"We believe you need help, love, and we'll do what we have to to ensure that you receive that help." The way she said it sounded so final that I drooped back onto the bed, defeated.

"No," I lamely argued, "I... I'm not going, I'll..." But before I could come up with some argument as to why I wasn't going back with them the door opened and in walked Carlisle with what I assumed was my doctor.

Like Esme, Carlisle really hadn't changed over the years. He was still handsome, still had an open and honest face that made you feel as though you could trust him with your life. He walked right over to me, upon seeing that I was awake, and engulfed me in a big hug that reminded me of one of Emmett's bear hugs. "Hey. We were worried about you, kiddo. Glad to see you're okay," he whispered in my ear.

When he was done with the hug, he stepped back and out of the way of the doctor, a man who looked to be in his fifties, with sandy hair and a kind face. "Hello, Ms. Swan. I'm Dr. Richman. I was the one to admit you last night."

"Hi," I said awkwardly.

"You swallowed a bottle of Xanax last night, and we had to pump your stomach, as well as administer charcoal to you, just as a precautionary measure." So that was the dark gritty substance I had thrown up last night, I thought to myself.

"After talking with Dr. Cullen here, and his wife, we've decided to release you today. You'll still need a quick evaluation, but the Cullens have assured us that they'll be keeping an eye on you and making sure you seek treatment for your depression."

"But what if I don't want to go with them?" I asked. "I mean, they live in Washington. Wouldn't it be easier for me to get treatment here, in Phoenix?"

"We're not convinced, and neither are the doctors here, that left on your own you'll actually seek treatment, Bella," Esme answered.

"I'm not flying back there just on your say so," I said, with what determination I could muster.

"Then what about for our sake?" Came a quiet voice from the doorway, which I instantly recognized as Rose's. "Would you do it for us?" she asked again, the plea in her voice apparent.

"Rose," I hedged, looking over at her. But I could see tears in her eyes and I knew that for her and Em's sake I'd give in, even though I didn't want to. With a big sigh I shook my head in agreement, before looking away as my own tears spilled down my cheeks. Esme clasped my hand and I could hear the doctor messing with my what I assumed was my charts as he gathered himself up and left the room.

It seemed that, for better or worse, I was heading back to Forks, Washington; the one place I'd promised myself I'd never see again. I laid back down on the bed and stopped trying to fight the tears, allowing them to run unchecked down my face, mourning the life I that I'd almost had but lost, the life that I was now going to have to confront again. My only relief was that Edward was far away, living in New York City, where'd he'd be completely unaware of my sad return home.

**A/N:**

_I'd love to hear what you thought of this first chapter, whether you followed His Salvation or are new to these characters. Thanks!_

_For those of you reading this at the end of His Salvation, the new story is up now. All further updates to it will take place there from now on.  
><em>

_Chapter 2 is already in the works._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:**

_Thanks for reading. :o)_

**Edward: New York City**

The phone ringing pulled me up out of the dream, the one that had haunted me for longer than I'd care to admit. Opening my eyes, I looked over at the clock. It was just after three in the morning. Wondering why someone would be calling so late, I reached over and picked up the phone, unable to disguise the worry in my voice as I answered. "Hello?" I croaked, my throat dry from sleep.

"Edward," the voice on the other line, as familiar to me as my own, replied.

"Alice?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

"It's Bella," she answered breathlessly. That one simple name, so unexpected, caused me so much pain that I thought my heart would stop right there in my chest.

"What happened?" I asked, trying to keep my voice even, but unsure whether I succeeded.

"Esme just called me, she... she tried to kill herself. Swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills and had to go in and get her stomach pumped."

I closed my eyes as I processed this information. For a moment I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't respond. Finally, after a long pause I was able to ask the question I needed to know. "Is she okay?"

"The doctors said that they think they got to her in time, that she'll probably be fine, but Esme's worried about her trying something like this again," she answered.

I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, then silently cursed myself for my weakness. "I'm glad she'll be okay," I replied. "It's late, though, Alice, and I'm tired. Can I call you in a day or two?"

"I, uh... yeah, sure. Do you want me to call you back if I hear anything else?" she asked, hesitantly. I could tell that whatever reaction she had expected from me, this hadn't been it.

Not for the first time, I found dark humor in the fact that Alice, my twin and one-time closest friend, no longer knew me enough to be able to predict my reactions. Just one of the many things that had changed about my life over the past few years.

"No. It has nothing to do with me," I answered, before hanging up.

I rolled back over in bed only to find Victoria's eyes locked on my face, her long red hair fanning out around her on the bed as she leaned up on her elbow. She looked intently at my face, and I knew that she was trying to get a read on me. "Everything okay?" she asked.

"It's fine," I said, laying my head back on the pillow in an effort to bring the conversation to a quick close. "Go back to sleep, it was just Alice."

"Your sister doesn't normally call in the middle of the night," she said, unwilling to let it drop.

"She had some news she thought I'd be interested in. She was wrong. Now I wasn't lying to her when I said I was tired so, night." And with that I rolled away from her.

We'd been together for almost two years now, but not even with Victoria would I talk about my past. I could hear her deep sigh as she gave in, knowing I wouldn't talk unless I wanted to. I laid there quietly listening to her breathing, waiting for the steady rhythm that signified she'd fallen back asleep again before I allowed myself to relax.

When I felt confident that she was really asleep, I silently got up and headed for the kitchen. I knew I'd never fall back asleep again tonight and decided it was just easier to get up rather than toss and turn all night, frustrated. I made myself a cup of coffee and went over and sat on the window seat overlooking the city.

I sat there for hours, refusing to think about Isabella Swan. I spent the past three years purging her from my brain, I wasn't about to let her slip back in now.

Sometime around dawn I got up and got changed, and headed out of the apartment for a jog. Exiting the lobby, I automatically headed towards Washington Square Park. I wouldn't have classes again for another couple of months, but I still enjoyed running past the university. It helped me stay focused on my life now, the life that I had carved out for myself these past few years.

The noises of the city around me comforted me – the taxis driving buy as they picked up their late night or early morning fairs, depending on the customers; the bread trucks as they made their deliveries; the people rushing to catch the subway, on their way to work for the day, they were all familiar sounds, safe sounds.

As I hit Fifth Avenue I picked up my pace, pushing my body harder in an effort to exhaust myself. I thought of Victoria, still probably sleeping back in bed in my apartment. Part of me, a big part of me, hoped that she'd be up and gone for the day by the time I made it back. I knew that if she was still there when I got home she'd want to talk about the phone call from last night, and that wasn't something I was prepared to do. Which meant that we'd most likely get into another fight.

I let frustration at facing another argument with Victoria roll over me as I hit the park. I knew neither of us were happy, hadn't been for a while, but our relationship was familiar, proving hard for either of us to walk away from.

Choosing one of the many paths that branched out from the center of the park, I knew where my body was taking me, even if my head wasn't willing to acknowledge that fact, yet. I ran along the path, encountering other early morning joggers as I did and, not for the first time, felt grateful that I'd ended up in N.Y.C., a city that let you stay almost completely anonymous if you wanted to.

Twenty minites later I stood in front of an apartment door, panting as I briefly debated what to do, keep running or go up. Finally, having caught my breath, I gave in and rang the buzzer. A couple of seconds went by before I was buzzed up, the intercom never bothering to click on. Deciding to give my body a rest, I hopped into the elevator and hit the button to take me up to the fifth floor.

Exiting the elevator, I headed down to apartment 513, where the door was open just a crack in anticipation of my arrival. I pushed through and headed in, the voice of Agnes Obel greeting me as I did, letting me know I wasn't the only one who'd had a restless night last night.

Alice and Jasper sat at the table in the dining area, both occupied - Alice working on a sketch while Jasper read the paper. Noticing me, Alice grabbed the remote to the stereo system and turned Agnes Obel down so that her haunting voice was just barely audible. Jasper looked up and nodded at me as way of acknowledgment.

I took the unoccupied seat between them, noticing as I did that a cinnamon raisin muffin and a hot cup of coffee were waiting for me. Knowing I was the only one who liked cinnamon raisin muffins between the three of us, I reflected on the possibility that my sister still knew me pretty well, after all.

Deciding I wouldn't bother asking how she knew I'd stop by this morning, when I hadn't popped in unannounced in probably well over a year, I instead ate my muffin and drank my coffee in silence, though it was a comfortable silence.

"How's Victoria?" Alice asked, once I had finished eating.

I knew Alice had never liked Victoria, so I was surprised that she started out the conversation asking about her. But, I supposed, it was probably safer than what she really wanted to discuss. "She's good. Starting a new job for the summer, beginning next week."

Victoria, like Jasper and I, attended New York University, while Alice was enrolled at Parsons The New School For Design. Unlike Alice, Jasper, and I, though, Victoria hadn't inherited a small fortune when she turned twenty-one, and so was forced to spend her summers between classes working to make some spending money for the upcoming year. Luckily, though, she was attending NYU on a full scholarship, so spending money was the only thing she'd have to worry about.

"What about you?" Jasper asked. "Any plans for the summer?"

"I was thinking of spending a few weeks in Paris, but nothing set in stone yet. What about you guys?"

"Alice is supposed to be interning over at Oscar de la Renta and I'm not sure yet what I'm doing."

"Are we really not going to talk about this?" Alice asked.

"Alice..." I started to reply, before she cut me off again.

"No, Edward, I know what you're going to say but, honestly, why would you come here this morning if you had no plans to discuss this?"

"I just... I guess I felt restless and wanted to check in with you guys," I answered.

"Even though you never come over here anymore unless you absolutely have to? Admit it, Edward, you're worried about her," she pushed.

"She's not part of my life anymore, Alice. She made it absolutely clear that she prefers it that way. I'm trying to respect that. Plus, I've moved on with my life. She's taken enough from me, I won't let her to continue to take more from me."

"What about Rose and Emmett? Don't you even want to know about them? They're your family, after all."

"They're her family, Alice. They have been for a while, now. They didn't have to walk out of our lives, but they chose to," I said, unable to disguise the bitterness in my voice.

"Because you forced them to, Edward. You made sure it was you or her, and we all had to pick a side. When they weren't willing to walk away from her you made sure they understood that they weren't welcome in your life anymore. They didn't walk out of our lives, they were pushed out. You pushed them out of our lives," she said, her voice getting louder the angrier she got.

"Alice," Jasper said, in a soothing voice, in an effort to calm her down.

"_No_. I'll say my piece, Jasper. If only this one time. You think you've moved on from her, Edward? You think you've purged her from your life? Do you think you're happy? In case you're really that much in denial, the answer to all of those questions is a resounding _no._ The only thing you've managed to do is build a wall up, between you and the rest of the world. You've become the Ice King and you've found yourself an Ice Princess to keep you company," she hissed at me.

"Victoria isn't part of this," I shot back. "And what's there to move on from? Bella and I were high school sweethearts, but we were also just kids. That was years ago and I'm not the person I was back then. I'm over it, have been for a while. Who I am now has nothing to do what my past with her."

"The fact that you could say that with a straight face shows me you're even more delusional than I had thought." And with that she stood up and stalked away from the table, slamming the door of her office after her.

Jasper and I sat silently at the table for a few minutes, me lost in thought, him back to his paper. Finally, unbidden, he said, "Esme and Carlisle are flying out to Phoenix this morning. We're not sure what's going to happen yet, but if I know Esme she'll take care of Bella, help her work through this."

I nodded my head in response before getting up and leaving the apartment, having heard what I think I'd unconsciously come there for. Feeling restless again, I decided I needed another run.


	3. Chapter 3

**Bella: Forks, Washington**

In the end, I wasn't released until the next day. A few days after that and I was stepping off a plane in Seattle, Washington.

After a lot of protesting on my part, Emmett and Rose had decided to come with us. They had just finished their senior year of college and had been planning to take the summer off before job hunting, anyway, so had nothing holding them back. I hadn't wanted them to be weighed down by me anymore than they already were, but nothing I said convinced them to stay behind. Secretly, I wondered whether Esme hadn't been encouraging them to come back with us, just so that she could have them home for the summer again. Not that I could blame her, it had been well over a year since she'd seen either Emmett or Rose.

Esme and Carlisle had a town car waiting to take Em, Rose and I back to the house, since the three of us, as well as a summer's worth of luggage, weren't all going to be able to fit into Carlisle's car. We piled into the back seat of the town car, while Carlisle and Esme drove Carlisle's car.

I leaned my head against the window, too overwhelmed by sadness and apprehension to try to make conversation. This was my first time coming back to Forks since my one visit a couple of months after Charlie's funeral, and it was almost more than I could bear. I had hoped to never have to come back here again, and yet, here I was.

The atmosphere in the car was somber. Rose silently held my hand, trying to lend me support in one of the few ways I knew she was comfortable with. Emmett was unusually quiet, and every once in a while he would lean over and rub my knee, letting me know he was there if I needed him. By the time we hit the outskirts of Forks I was in tears. Memories of Charlie flashed in my head, memories that should have been happy for me but that were tainted by his sudden death.

"I want to pull over at the site of the crash," I said quietly, though my tears.

"Baby girl, you don't have to face that today. Let's do it another day, okay? You have enough on your plate right now as it is," replied Emmett.

"No. I need to do this. This is the only way I can make myself do this. Please, Em, can you ask the driver to pull over?" He only hesitated a second before he leaned into the front seat and pointed the driver to the site of the crash.

I climbed out of the car and looked around. It would have looked like any other quiet spot along the outside of town, with lots of trees lining a small two-lane road, had it not been for the large wooden cross on the side of the road, with Charlie's name engraved on it. It was the first time I had seen it and the fact that it so clearly marked the site of the accident surprised me a little, until I remembered that although I had lost my father that night, the town had lost its sheriff.

He wasn't supposed to be out on patrol that night, but the flu had been making its way round the station and they'd been short on officers. I was told that it had been an unusually quiet night that night, with hardly any calls coming it. It was like the town had unknowingly been waiting, with breath held.

Sometime after midnight Charlie was riding down Main Street, coming in from doing a sweep along the outskirts of town. The other driver had had too much to drink, and had forgotten to turn his lights on. Coming around the curve, he had swerved into the other side of the road. I'm not sure whether Charlie realized what was about to happen, but I've prayed he didn't. I hoped it happened so fast that he didn't have time to feel scared.

He'd been hit head-on, and I was told later that he died almost instantly. And just like that, my father was gone, taken from my life by a man at the wheel of a truck with too many beers in his system.

I ran my hands along the cross, touching the spot where each of the letters of his name had been carved into the wood. I wondered who carved it and hoped it had been someone who had actually known Charlie.

Emmett came up behind me, sliding his arms around my neck, wrapping me in his embrace. I reached up and grabbed his arms, holding them tight, needing his support in that moment. I knew he'd stay like that for as long as I needed him to.

From the moment we met, he'd been like a brother to me, but these past few years we'd become even closer, until there was no "like" involved. He was my brother, in every way that counted. And Rose, my sister. We three misfits had forged a family in a way that even caught me off guard once in a while. Their unwavering support these past few years were the only thing that had kept me going. And the fact that it had cost them their real family left me struggling under a mound of guilt that threatened to crush me daily. They'd given me so much, and in doing so had lost so much.

Dropping my hands, I stepped out of Em's embrace, taking a moment to wipe the tears off my face before turning around. Rose, sensing that I was ready to leave, came over and laid her arm on my shoulders and guided me to the car. I climbed in quietly, glad that facing the scene of the accident was behind me now.

When we started driving again Rose turned to me and said, "Bells, listen, I know how much being back here is going to hurt you. I know that. But Em and I, we can't lose you, and we almost did the other day. If we hadn't come home when we did it would have been too late. You can't leave us like that, you just can't."

I could see that she was fighting back tears as she paused a moment to compose herself before she continued on. "If I thought we could do this without Esme and Carlisle's help, we would, but I'm not willing to take that chance, not when the cost of failure would be so high."

"Why specifically their help, though? I mean, they're in Washington and we're in Arizona, it's not exactly the easiest option," I asked.

"We're weren't looking for easy options, we were looking for the best option. Carlisle is a doctor, and I know he has psychiatrist friends he trusts, that could help you. And Esme, well, she's Esme, she just instinctively knows what people need to feel better. And they're invested in you, they love you and want to see you happy."

"How could they love me? Look what I did to them! You and Emmett moved to Arizona because of me, and almost never visit them anymore. And Ed..." I tripped over his name, before making myself say it. "Edward ran to the other side of the country to get away from me, taking Alice and Jasper with him. They were left with no one but an empty house, and all because of me."

"When I called home the other night," Rose said, before I had the chance to pick up anymore steam, "I told Esme that you had taken a bottle of sleeping pills and were in getting your stomach pumped, and do you know what she said? She said simply, 'I'm on my way. Tell her when she wakes up that I'm on my way.' There was no hesitation. You're one of her kids and you needed her, and so she came. She doesn't hold what happened against you, Bella. She wants you to be happy, just as she does the rest of us."

In that moment, I knew there was nothing I'd ever be able to do for Esme to make up for everything that I had cost her, everything I'd put her through. My debt to her was too large and no matter what I did, it would never be enough. She was too good of a woman, too caring, and I had only ever taken from her.

Exhaling shakily, trying to get some control over the emotions swirling around in me, I looked out the window just in time to see that we were pulling into the Cullen's driveway. I felt a brief moment of relief, knowing our discussion would now be over, before the sense of what I was about to face hit me. I shut my eyes and vowed to myself that I would hold it together until I was alone again, then silently prayed that it was a promise I'd be able to keep.

Getting out of the car, I looked the house over, noticing that not much had changed about it in the past three years.

A three story Victorian house, it was white with green trim, had a wrap-around porch complete with a wooden swing, a beautiful old oak tree in the front yard, and was situated on about ten acres of land, which included a picturesque stream tucked away right in the back yard. It look like it belonged smack dab in the middle of a Norman Rockwell painting. There was a time, once, when it was my absolute favorite place to be, though now I just wanted to be as far away from it and its memories as I could get.

Carlisle, having arrived before us, came out to help us lug the rest of our luggage inside, saying as he did, "Let's just leave your larger suitcases down here in the foyer, Emmett and I will carry them upstairs later. If you want to head up to your rooms and check things out and settle in a bit we can meet down here in a little bit to decide what we want to do about dinner. Bella, Rose can show you where you'll be staying. Meanwhile, I'm going to make a call and check in at the hospital." And with that he excused himself, heading back to where I knew Esme's office was located, towards the back of the house.

Curious, I turned to Rose and asked, "How would you know which room I'm in?"

"You have your own room now. They've done some remodeling on the second and third floors since you were last here. Esme decided that we each didn't need our own rooms now that we're adults, so Alice and Jasper have a suite on the second floor, Em and I share one on the third floor, Edward is up on the third floor with us, and you've got a room on the second floor."

"When did that happen? And why would they give me my own room here when I've never lived here?" I asked, confused.

Em was the one to answer, saying, "I think they had just finished the remodels right before the last time Rose and I came to visit, so like a year-and-a-half ago maybe. And Esme's always hoped you'd eventually make this a home base, since both of your parents are gone now. I think she wanted to make sure that if the day ever came when you were ready to come back, you had a spot here waiting for you. Now, come on, let's go get settled in."

The first thing I noticed climbing the stairs was that all the carpeting had been torn up, replaced by hardwood floors. It gave the floor a more open feel to it somehow. When we hit the top of the stairs, the master bedroom was directly on our right. I peaked my head in to see if it still looked the same.

Besides some superficial changes, like the wooden floor and some new paint on the wall, the room looked almost exactly as I remembered it. Esme stood next to the large four-poster bed in the center of the room, unpacking her bag. She looked up in time to see me checking things out, and with a smile said, "You'll be in Rose's old room, Bella. Let me know if you need anything." I nodded my head in reply, before moving on.

I knew from my previous experiences here that Rose's old room was next on the right, Alice's room was across from it, followed by a spare room next to Alice's room, a large guest bathroom next to Rose's room, and the stairs to the third floor at the end of the hall. However, while the basic premise was the same, I could see that some big changes had been made. There were now only two doors in the hallway, besides the entryway up to the third floor.

I peaked into Alice's room and saw that it was much larger than it used to be, stretching through to where the spare room used to be. It was done it a deep red, with light gold curtains hanging from each of the three windows, cherry furniture, and a white furry area rug. It was both bold and tasteful at the same time, and somehow managed to fit both Alice's and Jasper's personalities. It was perfect for them, and I found myself wondering whether Esme or Alice had designed it.

Emmett spoke behind me, saying, "I'm heading up to our room. See you in a little bit, Bells." I nodded at him before stepping out into the hallway again.

"Come on, lets check out your room," Rose said.

"It doesn't bother you that I have your old room?" I asked.

"Nope. Emmett and I like being up on the third floor. There's less noise up there, and I'm a light sleeper." With that, we headed into what was now my room.

It was as large as Alice and Jasper's room. Done in a soft green, with trim that was painted bronze, and with light, almost metallic purple accents scattered across the room, including the curtains. The bed, the focal point of the room, was a large wooden sleigh bed. The bedspread on top was silver and bronze, done in a large circular pattern that started in the center and worked out to the edges, with green and purple throw pillows on top that matched the main pattern. It wasn't a style I would have ever chosen for myself if asked ahead of time, but I absolutely loved it.

What took my breath away, though, were the pictures that were scattered throughout the room – black and whites of me and Charlie, and me and my mom. I stopped in front of each one, trying to remember when they were taken. Charlie and me, on one of his many visits to the Cullen house. The two of us out on a hike with the Cullens, his arm around me as he had pulled me in for a quick hug. Renee and me from her one visit here before Charlie's accident. Someone had even snapped one of the two of us on the day of Charlie's funeral, with our eyes closed and our heads pressed together at the forehead, grief clearly etched across our faces.

By the time I got through all of the pictures, I was crying again. I curled up on the bed and just let the tears come, knowing I needed the release. I missed them so much still, every day. I missed the sound of their voices, their laughter, missed being able to touch them, just missed them. Being back here, Charlie's death in particular felt very raw again. I found myself wishing for the millionth time that I could turn back time, even if just for a moment, to tell them again how much I loved them, and how much I would miss them when they were gone.

When my tears had let up some I sat up and looked around the room, realizing as I did that the room was absent of all traces of Edward. I was thankful for that, glad that Esme hadn't been tempted to throw in a picture or two of the two of us together. It was hard enough seeing my parents smiling faces staring back at me, I doubt I could have handled his, as well.

Sniffling, I got up to check out the rest of the room. I opened two connecting doors to find a large walk-in closet. Besides a shelf of towels, washcloths, sheets, and spare blankets, there were also some clothes hanging up. Stepping in, I looked them over, realizing that they were in my size. Somehow they were in my style without being clothes that I would have picked out for myself. They were just a little bit dressier than I normally go for. And just like that I knew where the clothes had come from – Alice. Of course, who else would buy me a small wardrobe?

Sadness filled me as I thought of Alice. It had been over three years since I saw her, and almost as long since I talked to her. I thought of how close we had once been, and how far apart we now were, wishing things had been different. I missed my friend. Even more while standing amongst clothes she had bought for me, knowing there was a chance I'd never get even see them. It was like she just couldn't allow herself to give up.

I turned and walked out of the closet before I brought myself to tears again, and wondered when I got to be such a waterworks. I never used to be a cryer, but then, my life never used to be filled with so much loss, either.

I headed into the bathroom, both to check it out and to get cleaned up before I went downstairs. The colors matched the bedroom, green walls, with the bronze and the light metallic purple accented around the room. The focal point of the room, though, was the large, old-fashioned, claw-footed bathtub that stood along the far wall. It was beautiful, and it made me want to fill it up with bubbles and water, strip down and hop right in. If I had more time, I probably would have. Instead, I made do with washing my hands and face and brushing out my long hair before heading downstairs and finding the others.

* * *

><p>It was the middle of the night, and I couldn't sleep. I'd been tossing and turning restlessly for hours. These past few months I'd been bouncing between battling insomnia, and sleeping fifteen, sixteen, sometimes seventeen hours a day. No matter how much sleep I got anymore, it was never enough. A product of the depression, apparently. Tonight it looked like insomnia had firmly settled in, making me wonder how much of that was from having to deal with the flood of emotions being back here had caused.<p>

With a sigh I gave up, getting out of bed and walking to the window to peak out of the curtains. The moon was bright in the sky, while the world outside was quiet and still. I wasn't sure what time it was, but knew it had to be late. Maybe sometime past three.

I stood there for a while, just staring quietly out the window, wondering how I'd gotten to this point. I felt like my life had just gotten away from me. My parents deaths had sent me into a downward spiral that I couldn't seem to pull out of. It had been three years since Charlie had died, just about a year and a half since Renee died, and here I was still trying get some kind of control over my life. I'd known for a while that I had stopped living, I just couldn't seem to muster up the energy to care.

Stepping away from the window, I gave into impulse and opened my bedroom door, heading out into the hallway. I paused to listen for any noises that would signify that someone else was awake in the house, and deciding it was safe climbed the steps towards the third floor.

I had purposely avoided the third floor earlier, not wanting to be anywhere near Edward's bedroom. Now, however that was exactly where I was heading. I walked quietly, not wanting to wake Emmett or Rose. Since I knew they had remodeled up here, I was hoping that Edward's door would be open while Emmett's and Rose's door shut, otherwise I wouldn't know which room was whose. Luckily for me, that turned out to be exactly the case.

I stopped at the threshold, knowing that he'd see this as an invasion of his privacy, and an unforgivable one coming from me. In the end, I knew I had nothing to lose – he already hated me, what more could happen.

Eying the room, I knew immediately that Edward hadn't decorated it. There was some important element missing, though I couldn't put my finger on what it was – something that kept it from feeling like him. I wandered around the room, taking it in.

The walls were a dark gray, with white trim around the room helping to keep it from being too dark. The headboard on the bed was upholstered in a light gray fabric. The bedspread was a grey just a shade darker than the headboard, with black and white throw pillows added in as an accent, giving the look some personality. The furniture, from the nightstands down to the desk, was all a deep black. It should have been very monochromatic, too monochromatic, but yet somehow it worked. There was just enough variation in textures and hues to give the room an interesting look rather than a boring one.

Personal items were scattered here and there – one of his old guitars was sitting in the corner, pictures of him and his family were hung on the walls and displayed on his desk, some of his CD collection was still on the shelf – but I knew that for the most part all of his things would be with him in NYC. What was left in this room were items he wouldn't want to throw away, but no longer had a need for.

Walking around the room, I ran my hands along the items he'd left behind, feeling an overwhelming sense of longing as I did. In the rare moments when I let myself think of Edward, I missed him so much it made my heart hurt. I told myself rationally that we'd been just kids when we were together and that it was ridiculous to still miss him years later, but it seemed I wasn't a wholly rational being.

I drifted over to the bookshelf, looking at the titles he'd left behind. Startled, I recognized my copy of "Wuthering Heights." I knew it was mine because it was a book Edward had no interest in, and because the beat up copy was instantly familiar to me. I hadn't realized I had left it here.

I thought back to the day I'd broken up with Edward. I remembered tearfully gathering my things up, knowing I'd never be coming back here, as Edward tried to convince me that I was making a mistake. We had both always believed we were meant to be together. We had gone through so much together already, surely we were due a happily ever after. But I knew by that point that there were no happily ever afters in my future.

He'd pleaded with me to wait, that we'd make it work long distance, that we had been making it work long distance already – we'd navigated my living in Arizona for a couple of months by that point after all. But I knew what I had to do.

I knew exactly what I was losing, what I was walking away from. It took every ounce of resolve in me, but in the end I did it, I walked away from the boy I loved with all of my heart without looking back.

Three years later, though, and no matter what my rational mind told me, I missed Edward with a ferocity that still took my breath away. In three years, no one had even come close to taking his place in my life. There were still days were I desperately wanted to pick up the phone to call him, if only to hear his voice again for a few more seconds.

I knew that could never happen, though. When I left, Edward went about purging me from his life with a thoroughness that broke my heart all over again. Rose explained after her and Emmett had tracked me down again that he'd gathered everything I'd ever given him, every picture of the two of us, and gone out and burned them. He didn't want to hear about me, didn't want to even hear my name mentioned to him. I was dead to him, and I knew that's how it would stay. I hadn't asked but I assumed that the door to my room here would stay closed every time he visited, though I knew his visits were few and far between.

I'd hurt him in a way that was apparently irreparable. He'd changed after that. He pulled away from his family and the second he graduated from high school he packed his bags and headed to the East Coast. He wanted as much distance between me and every reminder of me as he could get, I guess. Alice and Jasper followed him out to NYC, hoping that he'd work things out in the end, that their relationship would get back to normal. I gathered from Rose's occasional talks with Jasper that that hadn't happened though.

I had destroyed this family in a way. Before me, they were a unit, close and loving. Now they were scattered to the winds, with Esme and Carlisle left with a big empty house. Rose and Emmett hadn't seen Edward in something like two years, and only saw Alice and Jasper about once in all that time. I'd taken the heart out of this place and that was a guilt I'd be forced to bear for a long time.

Stepping away from the book shelf, I opened "Wuthering Heights," and stopped to look down when something fell out of the book onto the floor. Bending over, I noticed it was a picture, my breath catching in my throat as I stood up and flipped it over.

Staring up at me was a picture of Edward and me together, his arm wrapped possessively around me. I knew from the smiles on our faces that it had to have been taken before Charlie died. We looked so young and carefree, so happy. My whole face was lit up with happiness, and I knew I hadn't smiled like that in years.

I stared at Edward, taking him in. I couldn't remember the last time I'd even seen a picture of him, having actively tried to not think about him for so long. He was so handsome, so perfect in every way.

I sat down on the floor, crying silently. I cried for missed opportunities and broken hearts, for the pain that we both went through, that I knew I'd put us both through. I cried for a family I'd torn apart at the seams. But mostly I cried for two teenagers who had loved each other so much, thinking they'd have eternity together. I cried because looking back at this picture I knew their clock was counting down the minutes till their destruction, but I had no way to warn them, to tell them to appreciate ever one of those minutes they had left together.

When I was all cried out I stood up, picking the book back up as I did, having dropped it when I sat down. Taking it and the picture, I turned the bedroom light out and headed back down the stairs. When I got back to my room I tucked "Wuthering Heights" away in my closet where it would go unnoticed, before climbing back into bed with the picture of Edward and me in my hand.

I lay there staring at the two of us for a while, lost in thought. I found myself wondering whether he'd known he'd had the book and picture tucked away on his shelf, or if he had simply missed it when he destroyed every other reminder of me in his room.

Finally a tiredness settled over me and I began to drift off to sleep. Right before my mind gave up consciousness, I found myself hoping that he'd known the book and picture were there with a desperation that rocked me to my foundation.

**A/N:**

_Thanks for reading!_

_I'll post a link to the picture of the image that inspired the look of Bella's room, and one to the image I found that almost perfectly matches what I imagine Edward's room to look like, for those of you who are curious._

_As always, reviews are appreciated. :o)_


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:**

****_It's been a while since I've updated. I've had a lot going on in my life and was just having trouble finding the time or the energy to sit down and write a chapter out. Hopefully though now that I've started again I'll be able to get back into updating regularly. _

_Anyway, hope you like it and thanks so much for reading!_

* * *

><p><strong>Edward: New York City<strong>

"Edward. Edward, are you listening to me?"

I turned to see Victoria staring at me with a look of annoyance on her face. I'd hadn't been paying attention to anything she was saying, and I guessed she'd finally figured that out. "Sorry, V, I got lost in thought," I said by way of apology.

"So I noticed. What were you thinking so intently about?"

I shook my head as I stood up and walked away from the kitchen table, where we'd been eating our breakfast, to stare out the window in hopes that she'd let it go without me having to answer. I had no intention of cluing her into what I was thinking about - what I'd been thinking about almost non-stop these past two weeks.

"Nothing, my mind was wandering, is all," I knew even as I spoke how lame it sounded, but I had nothing better to offer up.

"Edward, what's going on with you – with us? You seem so distant lately. I can feel you pulling away, is everything OK," she asked, as she came up behind and wrapped her arms around my waist.

All of a sudden I felt like the walls were closing in on me. There was no reason for it, but it was almost like I couldn't breathe. I unwrapped Victoria's arms from around me and stepped away from her, knowing she'd take it as a rejection but not being able to stop myself from doing it. I needed space.

I turned in time to catch the hurt in her eyes. It had only lasted a second, but I could see during that second how much pain I was causing her. I knew she didn't deserve this, didn't deserve to have to put up with me and my baggage. With a sigh I grabbed my keys and headed toward the door.

"Everything's fine, Victoria, I just promised Alice and Jasper I'd meet them over at their place this morning and I'm running a bit late. I'll probably be out most of the day, so I'll see you at dinner," and with that I turned and walked out the door.

I hadn't actually told Alice and Jasper that I'd be over at their place this morning, I just needed an excuse – but once I was outside I thought it was as good of place as any to hang out.

I felt like a bit of a madman these past two weeks. It seemed like I'd been spending a lot of time running away – away from Victoria and our relationship, away from Alice and Jasper, and, most of all, away from my past. It had given me a restless energy that I just couldn't shake. I wasn't sure if I was losing my mind or not, but there were definitely days I felt like it was a possibility. I felt crazy and miserable, and I didn't know what I could do to fix it.

But worse than the restlessness was the memories. Ever since Alice called me that night with the news about Bella I couldn't purge her from my mind. She was in my every waking thought, and even though I was on the other side of the country from her and all reminders of her I'd still constantly see things that would make me think of her. A shirt that reminded me of something she'd once worn, some woman walking around with the same color hair, or the same color eyes – everywhere I went I saw Bella. It was torture.

I wanted nothing more than to forget her, hopefully forever, and get on with my life, maybe even finally giving my relationship with Victoria a real shot. Why was it so hard for me to get over this one girl – a girl I'd been in love with as a teenager, none-the-less. It made no sense. And yet, here I was all these years later, still running from the girl who had broken my heart.

I made it to Alice and Jasper's house and was buzzed in. When I got upstairs I found the door unlocked, so I knocked once and then headed in. I stopped in the threshold, finding Alice on the couch in tears, with Jasper trying to comfort her. My heart stopped, and with a fear that almost took my breath away I asked, "What happened? What's wrong?"

Alice looked up at me, having apparently not noticed my entrance. "Oh, Edward, I'm so glad you stopped by – we were about to call you to tell you, but it's better this way. I'm so sorry, but Esme just called us - it's Alistair, he died last night. Heart attack."

Pure relief washed over me, like I had never felt before. I kneeled down, putting my one hand on the floor to steady myself, unable to deal with the flood of emotions that poured over me. When I walked into the apartment and saw Alice crying, I'd become consumed by the fear that she was going to tell me that Bella had succeeded in killing herself.

And then, realizing how relieved I was, guilt washed over me. An old family friend had just died, one who I had been close to, and all I could think was, thank God it wasn't her. Alice and Jasper, mistaken my reaction as grief, came over to help me up. Alice wrapped her arms around my waist, crying into my shirt as she did. "I'm sorry, Edward, I know you were close to him. We're all going to miss him so much."

I nodded my head in silence as anger at myself began to set in. My thoughts, my emotions, they had betrayed me. Four years of moving on and away from Bella, and the thought of something happening to her still brought me to my knees – literally. I pulled away from Alice, disgusted at myself and my lack of any and all will power. I was so weak, but no more, I promised myself.

"Esme wants us to come home for the funeral," Jasper said. "Carlisle is understandably upset – he just lost one of his closest friends – and Esme thinks us coming home will help make him feel a little better."

I nodded silently, thinking of Carlisle as I did. Alistair was Carlisle's oldest and closest friend. They'd met when Carlisle was in med school, Alistair was one of his professors and they'd taken an instant liking to each other. Alistair had become a mentor for Carlisle throughout his studies, and then after, he had become Carlisle's friend. They'd never lost contact with each other, and Alistair would stop in and visit us over the years, sometimes for weeks at a time. He had become like a surrogate uncle to us kids, and when I started on the path to become a doctor he'd call me up regularly to check in on my studies. This was going to hit Carlisle hard, but I knew Carlisle wouldn't be the only one.

"We need to book a flight home, as soon as possible," I said. As much as I didn't want to go back to Forks right now, I knew we needed to be there for Carlisle and Esme.

* * *

><p><strong>Bella: Forks, Washington<strong>

The house was silent, as sadness and pain had engulfed it for the moment. I lay in my bed, in my darkened room, alone with my thoughts. I knew it was the middle of the afternoon, but I had no interest in rising anytime soon. It took too much energy to crawl out of bed, and as everyone was consumed with their grief right now I knew they wouldn't be focusing on me.

I thought about Carlisle, and the pain he was going through right now. I wished I could do something for him, to ease the hurt some for him, but I knew that's not how it worked. A tear rolled down my cheek as I thought of him, and thought of Alistair, yet another person I cared about who I'd never get to see again. Everywhere I went, death and misery followed.

The summer I'd been with Edward, Alistair had spent almost a month here visiting, back from some far away place he had been volunteering at. That's what he did now, traveled around to third world countries who needed medical help and volunteered. He was a bit of a traveler, and he had lots of great stories to tell. I'd taken to him almost immediately, and he to me.

We spent that month becoming fast friends, and when Charlie died he flew back to Forks for his funeral. When Renee died, just over a year later, he flew to Arizona to lend me support once again. We'd only known each other a few weeks, and yet twice he'd flown out to stand by my side when he thought I needed him, even though the second time I was no longer with Edward.

His death brought the darkness down upon me again, only this time it wasn't just me struggling, this time we all were.

I sensed a presence hesitate outside my door and, figuring it was one of the others coming to check on me, sat up and tried to compose myself. I ran my fingers through my hair, knowing there was no real help for it but trying to make it look somewhat presentable.

The door swung inwards, and as it did my breathe caught in my throat, for there in my doorway was Edward. I had a second or two where I could see him, framed in the light of the hallway, but he couldn't see me, hidden in my darkened room as I was. And then he flipped the light switch.

I watched as his eyes surveyed the room, narrowing as they took in my stuff scattered around. Finally he settled on me, and I could see the intense hatred written across his face as he said, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

I was too shocked to answer. No one had warned me that he was coming, or I would have packed up and left. And I was guessing from the expression on his face that no one had warned him about me, either.

I could see him struggling as we stared at each other, then finally deciding on a course of action, he took a step into my room. It was a threatening movement in a way - from his posture, his facial expression, to the jerkiness of his movements, I read clear danger there. Unconsciously, I leaned away from him, trying to get as much distance between us as I could.

"I don't know what the fuck you're doing here and I don't care, pack up your shit and get out of my house," he said, almost growling at me in anger.

He wasn't exactly yelling, but his voice was louder than normal and I knew it must have carried, because before he'd even finished his sentence I could hear frantic footsteps in the hallway. Edward must not have been paying attention, because when Emmett came up behind him and pulled him back out of the room, shoving him back once he got him through the door, I could see the confusion written across his face. I wasn't surprised, Emmett's movements against him were almost violent, and I knew that was the last thing Edward would be expecting.

Rose ran in the room and jumped on the bed, wrapping her arms protectively around me. Emmett positioned himself in between Edward and me, blocking me as much as possible from Edward's view. I could feel the tension rise in the room as they prepared for battle.

Once again, guilt overwhelmed me, seing the three of them face off like enemies, when they were family. This was because of me, I reminded myself. This rift was my fault. I had so much guilt on my shoulders, it was a wonder I hadn't already drowned in it.

"You stay the hell away from her," Emmett spat at Edward.

"What the fuck is she doing here, Emmett?" Edward said, with steel in his voice.

"She's staying here, Edward," Rose answered.

"The fuck she is. I want her out. Now. If I had known she was here I wouldn't have come back."

"This isn't your house, and it isn't your decision. You can stay somewhere else in town if you have to, but she stays here," as Rose spoke she reached down and took my hand, giving me a reassuring squeeze as she did.

"What's going on," a new voice asked. My stomach did a little flip-flip as I recognized Alice, coming up cautiously behind Edward. I hadn't seen her in years – when I'd broken up with Edward I lost Alice, too. The pain of losing her friendship hurt almost as much as letting go of Edward had.

"The bitch is here," Edward ground out, by way of an explanation.

I saw Emmett instantly stiffen, and I knew before he moved that he was about to punch Edward. As he raised his fist I yelled out, "Emmett! No!" He stopped, but didn't relax his stance – I could tell that he was debating whether to just go ahead and punch him anyway.

Finally he asked, "Why not?"

"Because he's your brother, and because he has a right to be angry. I shouldn't be here."

"Yes, you should," Rose said, ever loyal. "Bella, you were invited here by Esme and Carlisle. You have every right to be here."

Before I could respond, Edward snorted and stalked off, apparently having decided that the conversation was over. I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe, proud of myself for having survived a run-in with him.

Opening my eyes again, I took in the others. Rose and Emmett were still both in my room, and even though Edward had stormed off, they seemed no less protective. They were both staring at Alice and Jasper, who had come up behind Alice at some point, waiting to see how they'd react. Finally, Alice smiled sadly before taking Jasper's hand and heading off in the direction Edward had gone.

"Emmett, come in and shut the door behind you," Rose said, as she leaned over and gave me a big hug. As soon as the door was shut, I gave into my emotions and started crying, slowly at first and then in big, gasping sobs. Rose just stroked my hair, while Em came over and sat next to me, taking my hand and saying, "Shh, baby girl – it's gonna be OK. We'll deal with this together."

I don't know how long we sat like that, I suspect it was a while, but finally I started to calm down. Rose got up and grabbed me a wet washcloth from the bathroom so that I could wipe my face. When I was done I flopped back on my bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"I have to leave," I said, knowing this wasn't going to go over well.

"No, absolutely not. You have every right to be here, you're not going to let him chase you away," Rose argued.

"It's not about who has more of a right to be here or even being chased away, it's about what the right thing to do is. And right now, the right thing for me to do is clear out and let him have his home territory."

"Bells," Em began, before I cut him off.

"No, listen to me, first. He just lost someone who was like an uncle to him, so he's got enough on his plate trying to deal with that. Not to mention, I think that Carlisle really needs him here right now, to help him through his grief. It would be unfair of me to take that away from him. I understand that you guys don't want to leave now, and truthfully I don't want to until after Alistair's funeral, either. And I even understand if you don't want me going back home by myself right now – but I don't have to leave the area, there are other options. I could stay someplace in town for the time being. I'd be close without being underfoot. We can find a solution that will work for everyone," I argued.

"Or you can stay here and he can learn to act like an adult," Rose countered.

"Rose, I don't exactly want to be in such close proximity to him, either. It's hard enough just seeing him again, yet alone constantly being under the same roof with him."

"Let's just... let's wait and talk to Esme and Carlisle before we make any decisions, to see what they have to say. They might not want you to leave, either," Em said.

"I don't want to put them in the position where they'd like to see me stay elsewhere but are just too polite to say so, guys. They've done so much for me already, I don't want to be an inconvenience for them."

"We'll talk about it later," Rose said, not giving any leeway. Knowing that I'd just continue to arge with them, they made their excuses and left, and realizing it was pointless to keep arguing, I let them go without protest. I knew I wouldn't be able to escape today, but tomorrow I was going to find some other place to stay in town.

I wanted to just hide out in my room for the rest of the day, but I also wanted to check in on Carlisle. Since we had found out about Alistair I had spent a lot of time just hanging out with Carlisle. Most days we'd just sit in his office silently for hours, him doing his own thing and me with a book. I'd dealt a lot with grief over the past few years, and I knew sometimes it helped just having someone near, even if you didn't talk about your pain with them. I actually didn't know if it helped him any, or if he just thought I was acting crazy, but so far he hadn't said anything about my being there, which I took as a good sign. So with a sigh I climbed out of bed and went in search of him.

I found him in his office, staring out the window and apparently lost in thought. I knocked softly on the doorjam before heading in, closing the door behind me. He acknowledged my presence with a smile, before going over and taking the seat behind his desk. I went over and sat on the bench along the wall, facing him.

"Did you see that the others have arrived?" he asked.

"We bumped into each other already," I answered, avoiding burdening him with the details of our reunion.

"It'll be good to have everyone back under the same roof again for a while," he said. Then, giving me a firm look he added on, "And Bella, I do mean everyone - which includes you, as well."

I fought to keep myself from groaning in frustration. He'd gone right to the heart of the very issue I was trying to avoid bringing up with him. "Carlisle, you know he won't stay here if I'm here – he just won't. He hates me, and I think it's just asking too much of him to stay under the same roof as me. And I don't think doing so would be good for either one of us, or for the atmosphere of the entire house. You guys should focus on spending time with each other, and saying goodbye to your friend. It's not right of me to intrude upon that, especially after you've already done so much for me."

"Bella, Esme and I have already discussed this and we would very much like you to continue staying with us for as long as you're here. You're part of our family, whether you're with Edward or not, and you always will be, so we want you here with us. Let Esme and I talk to him, and we'll take it from there, OK?"

Grudgingly, I nodded my head in agreement, not wanting to cause him anymore grief. I knew, though, that nothing they could say to him would convince him to stay while I was here.

There was a knock at the door and I looked up to see Edward coming in. Before my being there caused a situation, I hopped up, gave Carlisle a little wave before skirting around Edward, vanishing before he had a chance to protest my presence. I quickly disappeared down the hall, my heart in my throat as I went. I hoped that this would eventually get easier, but for the moment all I felt was pain and regret when faced with Edward.

Before anyone noticed that I was out of my room, I slid out the front door and headed around the house towards the big rock at the back of their property, along the creek. I knew this was the best place for me to find some time to myself, and to try to escape my past as much as possible.

The rock, which was actually a very large, very flat boulder that sat right along the very edge of the water, was a favorite place to go whenever anyone needed some quiet time to themselves.

I climbed up and found a spot to sit while trying to clear my mind. I'd had no warning that Edward, Alice, and Jasper were flying in. Thinking about it, I should have figured that they'd be flying back for Alistair's funeral, but I also thought someone would give me some kind of warning first. From Edward's reaction I was sure that he had been equally without warning. I wondered briefly whether Rose and Em had known in advance, but decided that if they had they would have told me ahead of time. Which could only mean that, for whatever reason, Esme and Carlisle had kept it a secret from all of us.

It seemed totally out of character that they would do such a thing, but I somehow doubted that they would have simply forgotten to warn us all, particularly knowing how everyone would react to being thrown together without warning. I wondered what they had hoped to gain through the element of surprise. Were they just trying to ensure that no one refused to come or left early, or was there something more to it.

My musings were interrupted by the sound of footsteps behind me. Turning, I saw Alice walking towards me. I braced myself, unsure whether she was here to berate me or not. I closed my eyes, remembering our last conversation, held on this very spot, years ago.

"_Please, Bella, don't do this to him. I know you're going through a lot right now, but if you do this to him it will kill him," she pleaded._

"_I'm sorry, Alice. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. But I have to do this, for his sake as much as mine. He'll get over it – he might not feel like that now, but he will."_

"_He won't. I know him enough to be able to promise you that. You two were destined to be together, and I don't understand why you can't see that. With everything you've been through together, how can you just walk away from him like this? And it's not just him you'll be walking away from, Bella."_

_Nodding my head, I acknowledged what she was saying. I knew from the moment I broke up with him that his family would have to choose sides – that he'd make them do so. And I knew that I'd come out the loser when that moment came. It was a consequence I was prepared to deal with. _

_Wiping a lone tear from my cheek I answered, "I know, Alice. I'm sorry for what I'm doing, to all of you, but I'm not going to change my mind. It's for the best. I know you can't see that now, but one day you will."_

"_You're an idiot, Bella. A heartless idiot. I never would have imagined you were capable of just tossing Edward aside like this. I'd rather you had never come into his life than see you leave him like this," she said as she began to walk away from me._

"_Alice," I called after her. She turned towards me just a little, unwilling to face me again. She'd made her case and it had done no good – I knew she was ready to sever ties with me. I hesitated, unsure whether I had the right to ask anything of her anymore. Finally deciding I had no choice, I asked, "Will you tell Emmett, Rose, and Jasper that I said goodbye?" _

_She stood there, unmoving, for a long time before she finally gave a little nod of her head and then walked off again. _

As she approached, I thought about Rose and Emmett, who rather than saying goodbye to me had followed me out to Phoenix. As rough as my goodbyes with Alice and Edward had been, I could only imagine how theirs was. I knew that Alice, Jasper, and especially Edward, would feel deeply betrayed by their defection. As sorry as I was for my loss of friendship with the three of them, I was more sorry that Em and Rose lost their friendships thanks to me. I knew it was a guilt I'd carry around with me for a long time.

"Hi Alice," I said as she joined me on the rock. From the look on her face, I guessed that I wasn't the only one reliving the past.

"Hi Bella," she answered, sitting down next to me as she did, facing the water.

I waited to see if she was going to say anything else. After a few silent moments I gave up and took the initiative. "I didn't know you guys were coming in today, or I would have cleared out before you arrived."

"I know," she said. "Esme admitted that she hadn't told you guys that we were flying in today."

Silence settled between us again, and I had no idea what Alice was hoping to accomplish by tracking me down out here. Then it occurred to me, maybe she hadn't tracked me down out here at all. "I'm sorry," I began, "did you come out here to be alone?"

"No, I was looking for you. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry – you know, about the last time we talked. I shouldn't have said those things to you, especially when you were already dealing with so much."

Looking at her, I could see the regret written across her face. "It's OK, Alice. I know why you said them and I don't blame you. I deserved everything you said and more."

"No, you didn't and don't. Relationships end, it's a part of life. We all thought that you and Edward would be together forever, but we were also so young. Looking back, I can see how silly we were for making such assumptions."

"And yet, you and Jasper seem to still be together, and Rose and Emmett are still going strong. Your family seems to be very good at finding the person they want to spend their lives with, so I don't blame anyone for assuming Edward had found the same thing in me. And maybe had things been different..." I trailed off, knowing I couldn't end that sentence.

Alice sighed, and I could hear the sadness in it. I'd sent both of our lives spiraling in completely different directions than either of us had even anticipated, and being back here like this just reminded us both of that fact.

Changing the subject she asked, "How are Emmett and Rose doing?"

"Good. As strong as ever, I'd say. They're taking the summer off before they both start looking for jobs. I know they hadn't planned on spending it back here, but I think once we got here that they were both happy to spend some time with Esme and Carlisle."

"They seem very protective of you still. Possibly more so than before, even."

I shrugged, not really sure what to say, before answering with, "We've been through a lot together, and we've become close. We're..." I stopped myself before finishing my sentence. I was going to say that we're family now, but I thought doing so would just hurt Alice even more. Instead I finished with, "We look out for each other."

She nodded her head again, showing that she understood. I wanted to ask her about Edward, but knew I had no right. Instead I sat there quietly, taking in the view and thinking everything through. She must have known what was going through my mind though, because after a few minutes she said, "He's doing OK now. School's been going good for him and he's settled into a new life in New York. He's not the same Edward that you knew, but he's survived and carved out a life for himself on the East Coast."

"I knew he eventually would," I said without really thinking about it.

"He survived, Bella, but a part of him died that day. He's carved out a life for himself, but it's not a happy one. He's almost unrecognizable now from the Edward you once knew – and you should remember that if you plan to stay here while we're here. He's colder now, less caring. And he'll lash out at you if you push him. So you of all people have to be careful, because he has more reason to lash out at you than anyone else. I'm guessing he'll avoid you as much as possible while we're here, and if you're smart you'll do the same, because I can't guarantee how he'll act when forced to deal with you." And with that she stood up, climbed down the rock and walked away.

Still unsure of how long they were planning on staying, I knew that no matter what the length of their visit was it was going to feel like the longest one ever. I could only hope that in the end we'd all make it through in one piece.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:**

_This is actually my second version of this chapter. I made it about halfway through the first version when it just occurred to me that it was all wrong. So I had to scrap it and start from the beginning, and I'm glad I did because I ended up loving this version of it. It was a lot of fun to write. Hope you all like it as much as I do!_

_A quick note: In this chapter I mention Bella's having been kidnapped by James at some point, this is a reference to His Salvation, which is the prequel to this. For those of you who haven't read that one, that's really the only think you need to know - she was kidnapped by James at some point and managed to escape. _

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

I just had to make it through the next couple of days, then I could fly far away from here again. Hell, maybe I'd go right from here to Paris, I'd been thinking about visiting there this summer anyway. And right now, I just wanted to be as far away from her and from this goddamn town as I could get.

I was so incredibly angry – angry at her for showing up in my life again, at Esme for not telling me she was here when I called, at Rose and Emmett again for so obviously choosing her in every way, and angry at myself for still caring. I thought she could no longer affect me, but I knew now that that was just a lie I'd told myself.

As trapped as I'd been feeling back in New York, it was nothing to what I was feeling now. Nothing. I felt like a caged animal who couldn't escape his captors. I just kept repeating to myself that it was five days till Alistair's funeral, and then I could be back on the first plane out of here. As much as I wanted to be here for Carlisle right now, I couldn't do so while she was here.

I wished the funeral was sooner, but they had to transport his body back from South Africa, where he'd been volunteering when he died. Doing so would take time.

I cursed aloud again, as I paced my darkened room. The house was silent, and I knew it was late by now and that everyone would be asleep. Knowing that I couldn't take these four walls any longer, I quietly opened the door and headed down to the main floor. It wouldn't improve my mood any, but at least I'd have a larger area to pace.

Once downstairs, I decided I wanted to play the piano. I hadn't played it in years, since she'd broken up with me, but being back here and knowing my piano was sitting there waiting for me, I felt like it was time. It was the middle of the night but I wasn't worried about waking anyone. When Esme and Carlisle had this house built they had the music room soundproofed, so that no matter what time anyone felt like playing they'd be able to. More than once I'd come down here in the dead of the night to bang away at the keys, knowing the sound wouldn't travel to wake up anyone else in the house.

Pausing on the threshold, I suddenly sensed another presence in the room. I knew before my eyes had located her who I'd find, and sure enough, there she was. She was sitting on the bench built into the large window frame on the front side of the room, staring out. The room was dark, but the light from the full moon outside was pouring in through the window, illuminating her. She looked so content, sitting there staring out at the world, so perfectly at peace, that suddenly the anger I'd been fighting back all day exploded within me.

_"Damn you," _I sneered, breaking the silence of the night. She jumped and I knew I had startled her. Good. "Why the fuck can I not get away from you? I don't care what Esme and Carlisle say, I want you out of here. This is _my life_, get the fuck out of it! You don't deserve second chances with anyone here – not with Esme or Carlisle, not with Alice or Jasper, and never with me. So just fucking leave. You've taken enough from this family!"

And just as I finished my tirade I was slammed into the wall, pinned there by Emmett, who I hadn't even realized was in the room with her when I entered. I struggled, trying to break free, anger and frustration egging me on, but in the end it was pointless. Emmett had always been stronger than me, and it seemed that was even more so now.

"Get the fu..." I started to say, before he moved his arm up under my throat and applied pressure against my windpipe, effectively cutting off anything more I might have said.

We stood there for a minute like that, me pinned and silenced, him staring down at me in anger, before he turned to her and said, "Bells, baby, go upstairs and find Rose, would you? She should be awake. Just wait in our room or have her go sit with you in yours, and I'll be up in a couple of minutes. I just want to have a quick discussion with Edward."

She stood staring, like she was assessing him somehow. She was a stranger to me now, making it impossible for me to guess at what she was thinking, what it was that she seemed to be waiting for. "Em," she said, "promise me."

At first I didn't think he was going to respond, but then he nodded his head, which seemed to be all the promise she needed. She quietly left the room and, I assumed, headed upstairs to find Rose. I didn't know what he'd promised her, but I didn't really give a shit, either.

Emmett waited, and I knew he wanted to make sure she was out of earshot before doing or saying anything. I stared at him, hoping my anger was apparent on my face. Most of my hatred was reserved for her, but some of it leaked through to Emmett and Rose too, and him pinning me like this wasn't helping his situation any. I was angry and wanted a fight – I only hoped that he'd release me long enough to oblige me.

"Now you listen to me," he growled, "you will back off of her or, so help me God, I will hurt you until you cry like a fucking baby. She has gone through hell and back more times than I care to remember, and right now she's trying to pull herself out of the darkness that has her, and I _will not_ have you fucking up what little progress she's made over the past two weeks. It might not seem like it, but she is fighting for her life, so you coming along and giving her this fucking shit every damn time you bump into her has the potential to destroy her, and Rose and I won't have it. If you don't back the fuck off, I will give you a beating that I promise you you'll remember for a long time to come, and then when you go back to your happy life in New York I will follow you there, just to fuck with you some more."

Having delivered his little speech, he released me, taking a few steps back, and waited. I doubled over, coughing, from the pressure he'd had on my windpipe. It took a few minutes before I had control enough over my body to respond.

"Fuck you, Emmett. If you think for one minute that your threat scares me, you're an idiot. I'll say whatever I want to her while she's staying in this house. If she's that fragile right now, take her somewhere else! I'm not holding holding back my anger for that stupid selfish bitch."

"She is far from selfish, and I think deep down you know that - I think that you've always known that."

"Ha! She destroyed me, Emmett – how is that not selfish?"

"You asshole. Do you think she really wanted to break up with you," he yelled.

"If she didn't she sure as hell had a funny way of going about it," I yelled back.

"For someone so damn smart, you really are a fucking idiot."

"She made it perfectly clear that she wanted me out of her life, Emmett. I was there when she repeatedly told me so, in some very unkind words, I might add."

"For fuck's sake, Edward, just think about it for a fucking moment and even a dickhead like you should be able to see that breaking up with you was something she felt like she had to do, not something that she wanted to. Think about her life back then - she was kidnapped and almost killed by James, then Charlie was killed by that drunk driver, then she had to move in with her mom, whose husband then leaves her, they lose their house in Jacksonville and have to move back to Phoenix, and finally her mom is diagnosed with cancer and suddenly Bella is faced with having to watch her only remaining family member die a very slow and very painful death. Everywhere around her there was death and destruction, and all of those bad things, well, they all had one thing in common – Bella – and even the most self-absorbed of us would have to start to wonder at that point if we were the catalyst bringing all of this bad shit down on everyone. That's why she broke up with you – not because she was a selfish bitch but because she was hoping to save you from herself."

"And you know what?" he continued, his voice raised in anger. "You just let her walk out of your life. You didn't fight for her, didn't take the time to try to figure out why she was doing what she was doing, you just fucking let her go with no one to help or stand beside her in one of the hardest periods of her life. This was the woman you loved, who you had waited for your whole life, and you fucking just let her go. So don't you fucking take your anger out on her – she's not the one you should be mad at, you asshole."

"You weren't there, Emmett – you have no idea what you're talking about," I spat back at him.

"Don't I? She left all of us that day, bro, not just you. Rose and I tried telling you that she didn't really want to let you go, that she was trying to save you, but you wouldn't listen. So _we _went after her, when you wouldn't - and she fought us at first but in the end she gave in. She only had so much resistance in her, because she had never stopped wanting us in her life, _any_ of us, but she felt like she had to do what she could to save us."

"It's easy for you to say that now – to rewrite history when it's convenient," I began, before he interrupted me.

"I'm not the one rewriting history here. I know what happened and why, and I saw first-hand what walking away from you cost her. She has never been the same. All of her happiness left her the day you let her walk out of your life. It almost killed her, but she did it because she thought it was what was best for you. And then every day she had to wake up and piece herself back together again, because there was her mom, in the other room, fighting to stay alive – battling cancer and the effects of chemo and the never-ending pain. Every goddamn day, Bella woke up and pretended to be happy as she leant her mom a strength that she didn't have, just to have to sit there and watch her slowly fade away.

So you don't get to call her selfish, because every day she wakes up and she lives for somebody else's sake. She's here now, fighting through this depression that almost took her life, because of me and Rose, because she doesn't want to hurt us. She's as far from selfish as a person can get, and if you're too fucking stupid to see that then that's on you, but I don't have to sit here and listen as you give her shit that she doesn't deserve, at a time where she's struggling already. You're here, stuck around her when you don't want to be – I get it, we _all _fucking get it. But you will suck it up and deal with it for the next couple of days without trying to destroy her or I'll destroy you first, to save her. She's doing her best right now to give you a wide berth, and to be strong enough to try to help Carlisle deal with his grief, so just let her be. Avoid her as much as you want, I don't give a shit, but if I catch you yelling at her again there will be hell to pay."

When he was finished his rant he shoved me out of his way before stalking out of the room, without giving me a chance to respond.

I went over to the piano and sat down, slamming on the keys in anger and frustration. I played song after song without even realizing what it was that I was playing, all the while, railing at Emmett in my head for judging me for my actions. How dare he! I wasn't the guilty party here, I wasn't the one who split up a family, or who tore out my heart. If he wanted to see her as the victim here, fine, whatever, I couldn't change that – but I was not going to fall into that trap as well. I knew better.

Only, now I didn't. The longer I played, the more I calmed down, and the calmer I got the more I started to doubt myself and my perceptions. Had I been wrong about her? I'd let her go because I was convinced she'd felt nothing for me, that the love I had for her had no longer been returned – what if that hadn't been the case? I could barely even consider it, because that would mean that everything I suffered, and my sister and Jasper had suffered, even my parents, would have all been at my hands, not hers.

No, I wasn't ready to accept that guilt yet – it was just as possible that it was Emmett whose perceptions were off. I had known her better than anyone back then, if she was lying about her feelings I felt sure I would have known.

* * *

><p>The next day, however, my trust in myself wasn't as strong, and I found myself against my own will staring at her, trying to figure her out.<p>

She'd come down to breakfast with Emmett and Rose, who I guessed had convinced her to leave her room and join us. The rest of us had been downstairs for a little while, and were scattered about the kitchen when they entered. Esme was cooking breakfast while Alice and Jasper helped, Carlisle was sitting at the table working on Alistair's eulogy, while I sat across from him with the morning paper. The three of them entered quietly, and I could see that they were prepared for an argument from me. When none came, they took their seats around the table, Emmett and Rose protectively sitting on either side of her.

Right away I noticed the change in dynamic since before. Yesterday I'd been too consumed by her being here and my anger to notice anything about any of them, but now I was able to take a step back and observe the changes the years had brought about in the three of them, starting with their relationship with each other.

Emmett had always been close with her, and eventually Rose had become close as well – but now they seemed more like a single unit than three individual people. I don't know if it was everything they'd gone through together over the past couple of years, or the fact that Rose and Emmett currently saw me as an enemy they had to protect her from, but it was instantly apparent that they were a family unit and would protect each other as such, even if that meant from us.

I thought about how different that was than my relationship with Alice and Jasper, which had suffered over the years. I lived just a few minutes away from them, yet I barely saw them and confided almost nothing in them. This realization gave me a pang of guilt, knowing that they'd followed me out to New York after I had fled Forks. They'd chosen to stand by me and follow me to the other side of the country, and I rewarded them by almost completely cutting them out of my life.

Turning my head to look over at my sister, I found her staring at me, assessing. I could see the worry etched clearly across her face as she watched me watch them. For the first time I realized that no matter who was the guilty one responsible for tearing my family a part, that I'd have to shoulder my own share of blame, because even if I hadn't been the reason we were scattered across the country, I was the reason Alice, Jasper, and I had grown so far apart.

With a slight smile to let Alice know I was OK, I turned back to my paper, using it to disguise the fact that I was evaluating the three of them. They'd each grown, matured. At some point they'd shrugged off the last remnants of youth and had grown into adult versions of themselves.

Rose was still beautiful – still tall, thin, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I realized, though, that while she basically looked like a slightly older version of the Rose I had known she also seemed softer somehow – less like the ice queen I'd once considered her, so long ago. Even while worried about my presence she somehow seemed relaxed and confident, as if she could handle anything life threw at her. Whatever it is that had changed in her, it suited her.

Emmett looked almost exactly the same – he was a little bigger and a little older, but he still seemed fundamentally like the Emmett I'd known. The one big difference came not in looks but in personality. He seemed so much more serious now than he ever did. Granted, I'd only really seen him so far while he was in defensive mode, but I think it went beyond that. It seemed like he'd grown up a lot over the past four years.

And then there was her. She was more beautiful than ever, having grown into her features – brown eyes that had once seemed a little too large for her thin face were now perfectly proportioned. She was still slender, but she'd filled out just slightly, enough that she was now just a little more curvier, softer. Her hair was longer, down to her waist, and she still had an almost catlike gracefulness that she had picked up as a defense mechanism after surviving the kidnapping attempt by James.

For all of her beauty, though, there was something off about her. She seemed vacant in a way – her eyes, once so full of passion and intelligence, looked empty now. She looked broken, as if she was just a piece of the person she had once been. I realized that the woman staring out at the world through her eyes was no longer the one I had loved all of those years ago.

I felt a little off-kilter from that realization. All these years I'd tried not to think about her, but when the thoughts or images of her entered my mind, unbidden, I'd always imagined her as being happy. In my mind, I'd begun to resent her not just for leaving me and taking with her both Rose and Emmett, but for moving on with her life without me – for developing relationships, finding love, finding happiness. I was starting to think that the version of her in my mind all these years was just a myth.

Uncomfortable with the direction my thoughts had taken, I abruptly pushed my chair back from the table and stood up, realizing as I did that I had startled the others, but not really caring. I just needed to put some distance between me and her before my treacherous mind did something inexcusable. I was nowhere near ready to go down the path of forgiveness yet.

I excused myself from the table, explaining that I had to make a phone call and that I'd be down later to eat. Just before I turned to leave I looked over at her one last time, only to find her staring up at me. She had a sad smile on her face, one that looked full of sorrow and regret, and I was suddenly sure that she knew I was lying in an effort to escape her. I kept my face neutral, refusing to react to her, and instead fled the kitchen.

Deciding I'd try to lend some truth to my lie, I headed back towards Esme's office, where I knew I could use the phone in privacy to call Victoria. I could have gone and got my cell, but it was up in my room and I didn't feel like climbing up to the third floor. I closed the door to the office and sat down at Esme's desk. Dialing Victoria's number I almost hoped that she wouldn't pick up, but knew that was cowardly of me.

We'd had a fight about me coming back here for the funeral alone. She wanted to join me and I wanted to keep her far away from Forks. My not wanting to bring her might not have gone over so bad if it hadn't been for the fact that I'd never brought her back here before, nor had I ever introduced her to Carlisle and Esme on any of their visits to New York.

One of the appeals of Victoria was that, besides Jasper and Alice, who she rarely saw anyway, she was completely separate from my old life back here. She wasn't even aware that Emmett and Rose existed. She knew that Jasper had a sister he rarely talked to or saw, but she didn't know that I had once considered Rose my family as well, or that Rose was dating my adopted brother, who I hadn't seen in four years. The less Victoria knew the happier I was.

So when I told her that I didn't want her coming back here with me she wasn't happy. She'd been arguing that it was time for her to meet my parents for well over a year now, and she saw this as the perfect opportunity in which to finally do so. Except I refused to budge, telling her that it would be easier on all of us right now if she stayed behind – that the death of his best friend meant Carlisle wouldn't be up to meeting my girlfriend. Eventually she agreed not to come, but she wasn't happy about it.

"Hello," Victoria's voice came through over the phone.

"Hey, it's me," I said, by way of greeting.

"Hey, Edward. How is everything? Are you guys settled in there now," she asked.

"Yeah, the three of us are settled in and everything is going as well as can be expected, I guess,"

"How are your parents?"

"They're holding up. Carlisle is struggling a bit, but I think it helps that we're all here again."

We went back and forth for a little while, catching up. I called her right after our plane had landed, but only spoke to her long enough to let her know we'd made it in safely and that I'd call her in a day or so when we were settled. She told me about her upcoming work schedule, and about a friend of hers who called to let her know she'd be in town for a little while next week.

I was just about to wrap up the conversation when someone must have picked up one of the other phones in the house, because next thing we knew we heard the sound of someone dialing. When they'd finished pushing buttons I could hear Victoria ask, confused, "Hello?"

I explained what had happened to both Victoria and whoever had accidentally interrupted our call, saying, "It's OK, I think someone has just picked up the other line. Whoever it is, I'll be off here in a minute."

The person who'd accidentally cut into our call hesitated, before saying, "I'm sorry," hanging up their extension as they did. I could have groaned in frustration as I recognized her voice, and cursed my luck that of all the people in the house to accidentally cut into a call with Victoria it would be her.

"Who was that," Victoria asked, suspiciously.

"My sister's friend," I dodged, hoping she'd leave it at that. Of course, she didn't.

"Alice has a friend there? Is she staying there at the house with you?" This time her voice came across harder, more challenging. The possibility that a friend of Alice's would be here when I'd talked Victoria out of coming wouldn't have made her happy – unfortunately, it was even more complicated and troublesome than that.

"No, not Alice, my other sister."

"Your other sister? Wait, suddenly you have an other sister? I thought it was just you and Alice?" This time there was no disguising the annoyance in her voice.

I sighed before explaining, "Technically she's sort of a late addition to the family – she also happens to be in a relationship with my brother."

"What? You have a brother? What the hell, Edward? And what do you mean your sister is in a relationship with your brother?"

"You know that Alice and I are adopted, right? Well, a couple of years after our parents had adopted us they adopted our brother, Emmett. Alice and I are biological siblings and Emmett is our adopted sibling. For a while it was just the three of us, and then when we were in high school Esme's sister and brother-in-law died in a car accident, and Esme's niece and nephew came to live with us and were eventually adopted by Carlisle and Esme, too. Technically they were our adoptive brother and sister, but we were so much older by that time that we didn't really see them as being our brother and sister. Anyway, Jasper is Esme's nephew and his sister Rose is the one whose friend is here."

"What the fuck, why didn't you tell me any of this? Don't you think this might have come up sometime in the past two years or so? I'm not even going to get into the whole weirdness of your siblings dating each other right now, you should have told me that you have another brother and sister that I don't know about and have never met," she said, anger in her voice.

"I don't talk about them because we don't talk anymore. We had a falling out years ago and I haven't seen or talked to them since, and I was happy with that. There seemed no point in telling you about two people you'd probably never meet anyway – particularly when I didn't really want to talk about them."

"This is a big thing to not tell me, Edward. I mean, what the hell does that say about our relationship? What was the falling out over?"

I knew there was no way I was getting into that one with her, so I hedged, simply saying, "We had a big fight after they moved away."

"OK, so now your estranged brother and sister are back, and they brought a random friend with them," she asked.

"They were actually here before Alice, Jasper, and I got here – we just weren't told about that fact before we flew out here. But they're apparently staying for the summer."

"So it's OK for some random friend of your sister's to be there now, but not for your girlfriend of two years?"

I couldn't think of anything to say that would fix the situation. I wanted to avoid her coming out here at all costs, but I also knew that there was no way she'd stay away now unless I could come up with something fast.

"_Edward_," she practically growled at me, when the silence between us stretched to an awkward length.

I lamely responded with, "I just don't think that now is a good time, Victoria."

"Tough shit, mister. I find out that you suddenly have a brother and sister that I never knew about, that they're there at your house right now, and that they've brought along some random friend to stay with them while they're visiting, and you seriously expect me to be alright with the fact that you've made me stay home? Uh-uh, no way. I'm going online and finding the first available plane tickets out there. I'll call or text you when I get my flight set up, and then you better be there at the airport to pick me up."

"Victoria," I began in a last ditch effort, before she cut me off.

"No," she said. "I'm coming, Edward, it's as simple as that. I'll talk to you again when I have everything set up."

And with that the phone went dead. "Fuck me," I said, venting my frustration. The absolute last thing I wanted was for Victoria to fly out here to meet the family en masse, and I especially didn't want her coming out while Bella was staying here. That was going to be one big jumblefuck.

I groaned, beyond frustrated, as I stood up to hunt down some breakfast, in an even worse mood than I was earlier. As I left Esme's office, it occurred to me that it probably would have been a hell of a lot easier if I had just broken up with Victoria, rather than let her fly out here. I knew we were coming to the end of our relationship anyway, even if I hadn't admitted as much to myself yet. I could have saved myself a lot of trouble and frustration if I had done so. But it seemed wrong to end a two year relationship over the phone like that, and so I was going to have to deal with that fact that my life was about to get a hell of a lot more complicated.

And with that, I went out to find the others, to let them know that their lives were about to get more complicated as well.

**A/N:**

_I'd love to hear how you all are liking this one. I've been going back and forth between which story I want to work on right now, and even though I'm more in the mood to work on My Own Worst Enemy, I promiseda few of you that I would finish this story out, so here I am. So it would be nice if you all would give me some feedback, let me know you're reading, to help me stay motivated to work on this one instead of the other one, lol._

_OK, thanks as always for reading, and particularly for those of you taking the time to review!_

_~TCG~  
><em>


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:**

****_OK, this is another one where I was going back and forth on whether to scrap or not, but we get to see the other side of it this time as I decided to keep this one._

_As always, thanks for reading! And thank you to everyone who has taken the time to review. :o)_

**Bella**

I didn't know what Emmett had said to Edward that night, but there was a definite change in him the next day. It seemed like the bulk of his anger had gone, or, at the very least, it didn't seem like he was about to explode every time we were in the same room together. It was a vast improvement over the day before.

Still, I decided that I'd stay out of his way as much as possible for the time being, unwilling to test his temper. There had been that one awkward incident when I'd tried to call to make an appointment with the therapist Carlisle had found for me, only to find Edward already on the phone with a woman, who I imagined with his girlfriend – but besides that, I mostly managed to avoid him throughout the next day.

The day after that, I woke up early to get ready for my appointment. Carlisle had set me up with a friend of his right after I'd gotten settled, and I'd been going several times a week since then. I had canceled my last session because we had just found out about Alistair, which is why I had to call yesterday to set up another appointment.

It seemed like everyone in the house were early risers, so it surprised me to come downstairs to silence. In the kitchen I found a note from Esme, telling us that Carlisle had gone back to work today and that Esme had to go in to take care of things at the charity she ran and that she'd be back this evening most likely.

Sitting down at the counter with the note in my hand, I realized that this left me in an awkward situation. Up till now, either Carlisle or Esme would drop me off and pick me up at my appointments, or I'd borrow one of their cars if they didn't need them for an hour or two. But with both of them gone that unfortunately only left one car on the premises, Edward's car that he'd left behind when he moved to NYC. There was absolutely no way I was going to ask Edward for a ride to my appointment, which meant that I'd have to call a cab.

I sighed, knowing that a cab ride from out here into town and then back again would cost quite a bit. I wished I'd told Esme and Carlisle about my appointment so that I would have known they'd be out of the house early – I could've woken up earlier and caught a ride with them into town when they left, and then just hung out for a bit before my appointment. Shrugging, I knew there was nothing I could do about it now.

Hearing footsteps on the stairs, I looked up in time to see Rose and Em turn down the hallway towards me. "What's up, baby girl," Em asked as they entered the kitchen.

Silently, I handed them Esme's note. "Unfortunately, I have a therapy appointment this morning and no way to get there," I said after they'd finished reading, explaining my dilema.

"Want me to call Esme, see if she can swing back around and pick you up," Rose asked.

"No, I don't want to bother her like that. She's probably trying to get caught up on everything she missed the past few days, with having to take off. I'd rather just call a cab."

"That's silly, Bells. There has to be another way to get you to town without having to pay for a cab," Em said.

"None that I can think of," I answered.

"I could ask Edward if I can borrow his car, then I could drive you out there," Em said.

"Yeah, I'm sure that will go over well," Rose responded.

"What will go over well," a voice asked from the hallway. We looked up to see that Edward had unknowingly joined us and was leaning against the doorjamb of the kitchen.

I shifted uncomfortably, wishing I had snuck out before he'd come down. I silently willed Emmett and Rose to stay quiet, not wanting him to know about my situation.

Too bad Em rarely did what I hoped he would, and to my frustration said, "We'd like to borrow your car for a few hours, if you're not using it."

"What for," Edward asked. I noticed as he did that he was looking everywhere but at me. I was glad, actually, as I wasn't really comfortable with being around him yet.

"Bella has a doctor's appointment this morning and Esme and Carlisle are both out for the day it seems, so she doesn't have a ride. I'd like to borrow your car to take her into town for her appointment, and then we'd come right back," Em answered.

At first, Edward didn't answer – he just stood staring at Emmet. Just when I'd decided that he wasn't going to answer Em's question he looked over at me, as if he were assessing me, and then finally said, "I'll take her into town. I need to run some errands anyway – kill two birds with one stone."

Instantly my stomach dropped at the thought of being stuck alone in a car with Edward to and from town. I mean, it wasn't the longest ride ever but it wasn't right around the block either. Beside me, Emmett tensed up, and I knew he was trying to decide what game Edward was playing at. After all, it wasn't very long ago that Edward seemed compelled to scream at me every time the two of us were in the same room as each other.

Rose was the one to break the tense silence that had settled over the room. "I don't think that's a good idea, Edward. Don't you think it would be better for one of us to drive her in, and then you can run your errands a little later?"

"I'm heading into town anyway, it would be easier if I dropped her off, took care of my errands, then picked her up again before heading home. Why make two trips when we can make one? Plus, I have an appointment over at the hospital this morning, so I won't be able to wait until later anyway."

I wasn't really sure what was happening. He'd been extremely angry at me the first day here, and then when that had passed he'd avoided me at all costs, and now suddenly he was offering to drive me into town? I felt off-balance, and from the looks on their faces I thought Em and Rose did as well.

It seemed like Em was doubting the appointment story but didn't want to call Edward a liar and felt like at this point he had no right to ask about something going on in Edward's life, which left him in a quandary. He didn't want to accuse Edward of lying, but I could tell he also didn't want Edward driving me into town. Despite Edward's giving me a wide berth of late, I knew he wouldn't trust him just yet.

"Fine," he finally answered, "if it's OK with Bella then that'll work – however, I'm going with you. I can sit in the waiting room at Bella's doctor's office while she has her appointment, and then drive back with you."

I sighed, knowing we were being unreasonable. I was an adult, if I couldn't handle a car ride to and from town with Edward then I really did need to just pack up and leave. "Em, it's fine. I'll be OK. You and Rose stay here and hang out with Alice and Jasper for a while, I'm sure Rose wants to spend time with her brother, and then I'll be home before you know it."

"Bells," he began in protest, before I cut him off.

"No, really. It's fine, Em – I'll be fine. I'll go and will be back before you know it," I said, trying to sound reassuring.

Em reluctantly nodded his head, and with that settled Edward and I grabbed a quick bite to eat before we headed out. On my way out the door, I gave Em a quick hug in an effort to reassure him. As I pulled away he handed me his cell saying, "Here, Bells, take this and call Rose's phone or the house line if you need anything." I'd resisted buying my own cell because the only two people I really ever talk to were Rose and Em, and I lived with them and spent most of my time with them so I didn't feel like I needed one. To make Em feel better though, I took the phone and stuck it in my pocket as I walked out.

In the car, Edward asked where my doctor's appointment was and I told him – it was actually pretty close to the hospital, so that was convenient. After that we rode in silence, awkward on my part, no idea on his.

Slouching in the passenger seat, I stared out the window, trying to make myself forget that I was in a car alone with Edward. My life had certainly taken an unexpected turn as of late. I hadn't really thought to ever see Edward again, and now suddenly he was back in my life and had gone from raging at me, to ignoring me, to now coolly polite. The confusion of it all made me long to be back home in Phoenix, where it was just Em, Rose, and I.

After what seemed like an eternity, we finally arrived at my therapist's office. Edward pulled up right in front and let me out. As I opened the door he said to me, "I don't know how long my appointment will run – I don't think too long. I'll get back over here to pick you up as soon as I can."

I nodded my head in acknowledgment, before climbing out of the car and shutting the door. Watching as Edward drove off, I felt completely off-kilter. It seemed odd that he'd offer to drive me and then basically ignore me the entire ride. I knew we were pretty much strangers to each other now though, so I shouldn't have been surprised by the fact that he had me off-balance.

* * *

><p>My appointment had felt like a waste of time. They all had at this point. Dr. Vodges assured me that that was OK, that it would feel like that for a while possibly, but that once the meds kicked in and helped my system become balanced again that I'd start feeling better and more up to therapy. For the moment, though, the lack of progress frustrated me. I felt like I'd be in this numb state of being for all of eternity. It made me want to give up – but I promised Rose and Em that I'd give this a chance, and for their sake I'd see it out.<p>

It was about thirty minutes after I'd sat outside on a bench that Edward pulled up. Taking a calming breath, I climbed back into the passenger seat and prepared myself for another awkwardly silent ride. Before I even buckled my seatbelt, though, he asked me, "How'd your appointment go?"

Confused, I answered automatically with, "Fine."

"Are you starting to feel any better yet?"

"No, not really," I answered honestly, not having any real reason not to.

"Are you OK though," he persisted.

"Do you really care, Edward?"

"I don't know," he answered, surprising me. I hadn't really expected an honest answer from him. "Part of me is still so angry at you, and at Emmett and Rose. But after Emmett's talk the other night the anger isn't as overwhelming as it was. In some ways I still want nothing to do with you, but a part of me wonders if maybe talking to you and trying to get over everything will help me move on."

Not for the first time, I wondered what Em had said to him the other night. I'd asked him about their talk but he refused to tell, and I didn't really want to ask Edward. So instead I answered Edward's original question. "There are moments where I'm OK, but mostly I feel very numb and disconnected from everything. It makes each day a struggle. It's helped some, being back here with Esme and Carlisle, though."

I could tell that he was processing my words, and so let him do so in silence. Finally he asked, "How long have you felt like this?"

It was such an uncomfortable question for me that I wasn't sure if I was going to answer him. I sat playing with a ring I was wearing for a while, debating in my head what, if anything, to say. He waited in silence for me to make up my mind. With a sigh I made my decision. "I started feeling like this after Charlie's death, and it's gotten progressively worse since then. After Renee died, I struggled for a while and I've never really rebounded after that."

"So it's been a long time now. Well, I hope that being back here helps."

"I thought it would make it worse, but I think coming back here and facing my demons might help some." As soon as I said it I regretted it. I didn't really want Edward to know that Forks was where my demons were, and especially didn't want him asking what those demons were. Thankfully, he let it go without commenting, and I found myself wondering if he, too, saw it as dangerous territory.

After that, we were both quiet for a while. I didn't really want to take responsibility for our conversation, and it seemed like he needed a break from the discussion. I began to think that was the end of our little talk when he cleared his throat and said, "While we're talking, I wanted to give you a heads up – my girlfriend is going to be flying in tomorrow and staying until after Alistair's funeral. Given our history, I thought you might want to know ahead of time."

The girl on the phone, I thought to myself. As if this situation wasn't awkward enough, she had to get thrown into the mix.

I kept from reacting, from showing any emotions on my face. I knew he could only see me out of the corner of his eye, but I didn't want him getting a read on me if I could help it. Seeing that he was waiting for me to say something, I said, simply, "OK." And all the while, inside I was flipping out.

Dealing with Edward was hard enough, but dealing with Edward and his girlfriend? Well, I was pretty sure that was going to be impossible for me. It would be torture to watch as he kissed another woman, held her, and looked at her with the love in his eyes he'd once had for me. I was sure that having to do so would kill me.

"She doesn't know about you," Edward said, cutting into my thoughts. "Well, she knows that you're a friend of Rose's and that you're staying here, but she doesn't know our history."

I wondered if I was that insignificant to him that he didn't even feel the need to mention me to the people in his life now. He really had done his best to erase all traces of me from his life, it seemed.

"I'm sorry," he continued. "I'd avoid this if I could, but I haven't been given much of a choice in it."

"It's OK. She's a part of your life, so she should be here for you right now. I'll try to stay out of your way as much as possible. It's just for a few days, I'm sure it'll be fine," I lied, knowing that for me there would be no fine in all of this.

Something occurred to me and out of curiosity I asked, "Is that why you're being civil to me all of a sudden – why you offerred to drive me to my appointment?"

"It's why I offered to drive you, yes – I wanted to tell you before I told any of the others, and I wanted to do so without Rose and Emmett hovering protectively over you, and this seemed like the best option. It's not why I'm being civil, though. I told you, my talk with Emmett the other night put things in perspective for me."

"So Emmett has a little chat with you and suddenly you go from screaming obscenities at me to being civil? Did he threaten you or something," I asked, not putting it past Emmett to do something like that.

"No. Well, a little, but I didn't really take him seriously. I'm sorry, I can immagine that my mood swings must be giving you whiplash by now. OK, so he told me about what you've been through and I guess a lot of my anger just dissipated. Once I was able to take half a step back, I felt a little immature about how I handled things. I doubt we'll ever be friends, but I think I can manage polite conversation with you for a couple of days."

It was better than I'd hoped for, I realized. I couldn't imagine us ever being friends again, either – too much had happened between us for that – so him aiming for polite conversation between us was probably the best option.

"Well, thanks," I said, as we pulled into our driveway. I was glad we'd talked but relieved to see we'd finally made it home. I just wanted to retreat to my bedroom, pull the shades, and sleep.

As we silently climbed out of the car I realized that we'd exchanged no apologies, and I thought that we probably never would. I guessed that he wouldn't want an apology for what happened between us, and I didn't really want one for his behavior the past couple of days. Our history was too complicated and too filled with pain – saying sorry at this point would be like using a band-aid to try to cover an amputation wound.

Once in the house we headed our separate ways. Before I crashed in my room I knew I had to hunt down Rose and Em to let them know I was home again without incident. Finding them sitting out back on the porch with Alice and Jasper, I poked my head out and said, "I'm home. I'll be upstairs laying down if you need me."

"Bella, wait," Alice called out, stopping me before I'd managed to close the door again. "Why don't you come sit with us for a bit? It's beautiful out today, and we're all just catching up with each other."

Looking over at their relaxed faces, seeing Rose and Em looking happy and at ease again for the first time in what seemed like forever, I didn't want to bring them down with my presence so I made my excuses. "Maybe another time, Alice. I just want to lay down for a bit."

"Well, we were thinking of having lunch out here in about an hour or so, how about one of us comes and gets you for that," she asked, not willing to let me off the hook.

"I can just grab a bite later," I hedged.

But she refused to back down, saying, "Bella, you need to eat anyway, so why don't we all do it together out here? It will be nice, I promise."

I looked to Rose and Em, hoping one of them would help me out by backing me up. When neither seemed willing to come to my rescue, I responded, "Fine. Just let me know when it's time for me to come down."

Alice smiled triumphantly at me before I turned to leave. Shaking my head at her manipulations, I was about to close the door behind me when I heard Rose excuse herself from the table and knew that she was coming to check on me, to see how my ride with Edward had gone. I sighed, but knew I should have expected this. Heading up to my room, I knew that she would follow. I felt better talking up there, anyway.

I went in laid down on my bed, leaving my bedroom door open for her. She closed the door behind her and then sat down next to me on my bed.

"How'd it go," she asked.

"My therapy session or the car ride with Edward," I asked back.

"Both."

"Therapy went OK – same as usual, no real improvements but nothing horrible either. I'm starting to feel more comfortable with Dr. Vodges, so I guess that's something."

"And the car ride?"

"Pretty silent on the way in, but we talked some on the way home. He wanted to let me know that his girlfriend was flying in tomorrow and would be staying for a few days."

"Victoria," Rose said, supplying her name for me. "Alice and Jasper were telling us about her. They didn't mention her visiting here, though."

"I think they probably don't know yet. He mentioned wanting me to be the first to know. I think he was giving me time on my own to prepare."

"We can find somewhere else to stay, Bells. We could grab rooms at one of the hotels in town while they're here. You're dealing with enough without this on your plate."

Standing up, I walked over to look out the window while I weighed my options. I didn't want to be here with Edward's new girlfriend here - but I did want to be here for Carlisle, especially after everything him and Esme had done for me lately. I also didn't want to look like I was running away. I didn't know if I'd be able to handle seeing Edward with this woman, though – particularly not here, in a house that held so many memories for me.

In the end, I knew I couldn't hide from my problems anymore. Running from uncomfortable had caused enough problems in my life already, and I knew if I wanted to ever get healthy again that I'd have to start facing things head on.

"No," I answered, turning to look at Rose as I did, so that she would hopefully see the conviction in my eyes. "I think this is something I should do. It won't be fun - in fact, I'm sure it will be horrible for me – but I think I need to face this. If I want to get better I need to start dealing with things and then moving past them."

"Maybe it's not good to tackle such a big thing so early though, Bells."

"Why not? I've got you and Em here with me to help me through it, and Esme and Carlisle are here. And if I survive this then I'll know I can deal with anything. That has to be a good thing, right?"

"OK, well, just remember that there's still time before she gets here for you to change your mind. If you feel any doubt at all, just tell us and we'll find someplace else to stay until after they leave again."

Nodding my head in acknowledgment, I said, "Thanks, Rose."

"All right, either Em or I will come up and get you when it's time for lunch," she said, before giving me a hug and heading downstairs.

Laying there in the dark, I found myself hoping that I wasn't being over-confident. The last thing I wanted to do was crash and burn. Deciding that I needed a realistic goal to help me stay focused, I determined that it would be to survive the next few days in one piece. I wouldn't care if I was miserable or if it got uncomfortable, I'd just survive it. That wouldn't be too hard, I thought to myself. At least, I hoped it wouldn't.

As I lay there, thinking in the dark, I wondered what kind of person this Victoria would be. I couldn't imagine the type of woman Edward would be with. Then, laughing at myself, I realized that I'd spent the past four years desperately trying to keep from doing exactly that – imagining the type of woman Edward would be with. Oh well, as of tomorrow, reality would take over where my imagination and psyche had failed, and the type of woman he would be with would become very, very clear to me.

**A/N:**

_Loved to hear what you think! Drop me a review - it will be greatly appreciated. :o)_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:**

_I just want to give a quick shout-out to one of my readers - Supersaiyan909 - who I thought gave a particularly on-par review last week. Thanks! :o)_

_And thanks to all of you who are taking time to follow this story, and especially thanks to those of you reviewing! You help me stay motivated. _

_Without further ado.._

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

I wasn't looking forward to what was about to happen. Standing near the baggage claim, waiting for Victoria to get off the plane, I felt consumed with dread. I didn't know what the next few days would bring, but I was certain that it wouldn't be pleasant.

Before she'd even made it past the security barrier, I located Victoria, her fiery red hair shining like a flaming beacon amongst the other passengers. Her hair is what made me first take notice of her, making her recognizable to me within the sea of students at NYU. Although, she would be the one to eventually pursue me. I'd been in no way looking to start a relationship with anyone at that point, but she was nothing if not persistant.

Greeting her with a kiss before we collected her baggage from the conveyor belt, we headed outside to my car, chatting as we did.

"Welcome to Washington," I said.

"Thank you. Surprisingly, since my boyfriend happens to be from here, this is my first time visiting," she jokingly replied.

"Well, we've rectified that now."

"I can't wait to finally meet your family."

"You have met my family – Alice and Jasper."

"You know what I mean, your mom and dad, and this mysterious brother and sister I've only just learned about. What were their names again," she asked, something in her voice warning me that she was still upset over not having been told about them before this.

"Rosalie and Emmett."

"And what was their friend's name? And why is she staying the summer with your parents? I didn't get around to asking that earlier."

"All three of them are staying for the summer. She's Rose and Emmett's roommate out in Arizona, and they all decided to spend the summer here. I doubt we'll see a lot of her while we're here, though. She's mainly been keeping to herself," I explained, hoping this would end the conversation.

"What's her name? You still haven't told me."

I hadn't said her name out-loud in years, and I didn't know why but I was still hesitant to do so now. I was being ridiculous, I knew that, but I guessed old habits died hard. Still, if I refused to tell Victoria her name she'd start to suspect something was up. "Her name is Isabella," I finally answered.

"Pretty," she said, before jumping to a new topic. "So your parents were OK with me coming out here?"

"Well, they kind of had to be as you didn't really give anyone much of a choice in the matter."

"Come on, Edward, we've been together for over two years now, don't you think that it's time for me to meet them? We can't just keep treading water, we need to start moving forward with our relationship – and that includes doing the family thing."

Sitting silently, I thought it best not to respond. I wasn't really sure that I wanted to move forward with our relationship, if I was being honest with myself. I was comfortable with Victoria, but I didn't see myself settling down with her, or starting a family with her. Those weren't things I really wanted for myself anymore, which is something I could never seem to get her to understand. I was OK being with her, but I wouldn't let her force me into something I didn't want – I'd only hate her for that, and myself, for letting it happen.

The rest of the trip was without incident – she wanted to know more about my parents, about Forks, about Rose and Emmett. She seemed to be satisfied on the topic of Bella, for which I was thankful.

As we pulled into the driveway, I felt it prudent to give her a warning, knowing she was walking into a situation she had absolutely no understanding of. She brought it on herself, but even if I wasn't willing to explain everything to her, I knew I had to give her something. "Don't be surprised if Emmett and Rose don't really take to you – I told you that we had a falling out, and things are still pretty tense between us. I wouldn't be surprised if we didn't see a lot of them while we were here, either."

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened to cause such animosity between you," she asked.

"Not today, at any rate. For now just keep in mind that they probably won't be overly friendly."

"All right – I can deal with that."

Carlisle and Esme came out to greet us, and I noticed that they both welcomed Victoria with a simple handshake rather than with the hug they'd normally give. I knew that this must've been awkward for them, particularly with Bella here. They were probably feeling torn between wanting to welcome my new girlfriend into the family, while still feeling totally loyal to my ex-girlfriend, who happened to be living with them for the summer. What a mess this was going to be.

Once inside the house, I took Victoria up to our room so that she could get settled. We'd made it up to my room without running into anyone else, making me think that they were all probably avoiding us, getting ready to for battle. Even Victoria noticed everyone's absence, asking, "Where's the rest of your family – are they out somewhere?"

"No, both of the other cars were in the driveway. They're around somewhere – maybe just giving you time to settle in."

"Shall we track them down," she asked. "I'm dying to meet your brother and sister."

I winced, but knew I didn't really have an alternative. "If you want," I responded.

Figuring the safest place to start was on the main floor, we headed there. I thought that if Rose and Emmett were upstairs anywhere, they would most likely be in Bella's room, and I wasn't willing to hunt them down there.

Luckily, Alice and Jasper, and Emmett and Rose were all hanging out in the entertainment room, watching TV and playing fooseball. Breathing a sigh of relief that Bella was nowhere to be seen, I introduced Rose and Emmett to Victoria.

"Victoria, this is Emmett and Rose, and vice versa."

"Nice to meet you," Victoria said, offering her hand out to shake. Emmett was closest to her, and I watched as he hesitated, not wanting to shake her hand, yet not wanting to start trouble right off the bat. Rose came to the rescue, though, and grabbed Victoria's hand, giving it a quick shake, before turning to Emmett, silently letting him know he had to do the same. All things considered, I knew that could have gone a lot worse.

"And you of course know Alice and Jasper," I finished lamely.

She smiled a greeting at them before turning to Rose and asking, "But where's your friend? I heard she was staying here with you."

Emmett immediately tensed, narrowing his eyes at her as he did. Clearly, he saw Victoria as a very real threat to Bella, seeing even the most innocent of queries as crossing some sort of invisible line. I wasn't sure whether Victoria noticed, but hoped that if she did she would just chalk his behavior up to the tension that she knew existed between us.

Thankfully, Rose was handling the situation in a more intelligent manner. "She's out taking a walk. She'll be back for dinner and then you'll be able to meet her."

Alice stepped in then, making an attempt to steer the conversation to safer topics. "How was your flight, Victoria? Did you have any problems?"

Wrapping her arm through Victoria's, she moved her towards the sofa as she spoke, sitting down next to her to talk. Rose followed Alice's cue and sat down in the love-seat across from the sofa, signaling Emmett to join her. I knew I should join them as well, but instead I found myself gravitating towards the back windows. Staring out, I wondered where she was right now – was she down by my rock or walking through the woods? Was she upset, knowing that Victoria must be here by now? Was she safe, walking around out there by herself?

Realizing the traitorous direction my thoughts had taken, I made myself walk away from the window to join the conversation. As I turned, I saw that Jasper had been watching me stare out the window, with a knowing smile on his face. I narrowed my eyes at him, warning him off. I don't know what it was he thought he saw, but I'm sure whatever it was, he was wrong about it.

* * *

><p>Sometime later, Esme called us all into dinner. There was still no sign of Bella, and I was beginning to wonder if she was going to skip sitting down to dinner with us. I'd noticed before that the others seemed to let her do her own thing most of the time, with Rose and Emmett checking up on her regularly throughout the day, but that she was strongly encouraged to join us at meals. I wasn't sure if that would be the case during Victoria's stay with us, though.<p>

Even as I wondered this, I could hear the back door open and close, signaling her return. Emmett and Rose exchanged looks, before Emmett silently headed off toward the direction of the back door. When he came back a few minutes later it was with Bella in tow.

She looked haunted. Her eyes, which had lately been blank versions of themselves, suddenly seemed full of anguish. Her face remained completely closed off and composed, but I could see in her eyes what joining us for this dinner was costing her, could see her inner struggle.

Suddenly I hated myself for allowing this to happen. I knew how wrong it was that she'd have to face Victoria at such a time, in this of all places. And, worse, she did so without a single complaint. Bile rose in my throat as I realized the pain I was inflicting on her, and I had to fight with everything in me to keep from pushing my chair away from the table and fleeing.

Her eyes darted around the table, briefly glancing towards Victoria before settling on me. I locked gazes with her, and for the first time in years I let my walls down enough to hopefully let her see some of what I was feeling right now. I could only hope that she'd be able to read my silent apologies to her for what she was about to go through, for what I'd brought down on her.

As we stared at each other, her eyes widened slightly before she broke the connection and turned to look away from me. I didn't know what it was that she'd just seen while looking at me, but I knew something had made it through to her.

Someone, I wasn't sure who, quietly cleared their throat, making me aware that the room had gone silent as I sat there staring at Bella. I felt an overwhelming sense of dread as I turned to look at Victoria, who was looking from Bella to me, back to Bella again. I could see the exact moment she realized that there was much more to Bella's story, and my connection to her, than I'd let on. Tensing, I waited to see if her temper would take over or not.

"So this must be Bella, who I've heard so much about," she said, her voice like ice as she spoke.

Emmett immediately, and justifiably this time, read the threat in her tone and shifted so that he partially stood in front of Bella, blocking her from Victoria's view as much as he could without coming directly between them.

Bella, to her credit, didn't flinched when faced with Victoria's seething anger. Instead, she quietly met Victoria's gaze with a confidence and determination that I was sure hadn't been there just seconds before. Silently, they faced off, and as Esme stepped in to try to salvage the situation, I realized for the first time that Bella held all of the cards – she was on her home turf, she'd won the loyalty of my family years ago, and, unlike Victoria, she wasn't coming into this situation blind.

"Victoria, this is our good friend Bella. Bella, this is Edward's girlfriend, Victoria," Esme said, supplying the introductions. I knew that her wording had been very careful, that she had wanted to let Victoria know that Bella was under their protection, so to speak.

"It's a pleasure," Victoria said, in a tone that made it perfectly clear that it was anything but.

"Same here," Bella returned, before taking a seat. Whatever spark had been lit within her while facing down Victoria seemed to be gone that fast, and her voice once again came across flat and her eyes appeared empty.

The others jumped in, taking over the conversational reins in an attempt to diffuse some of the tension. Alice asked Victoria how her new job was working out, while on the other side of the table Rose and Emmett quietly distracted Bella.

Sitting next to Victoria, I found my eyes constantly shifting towards Bella in an attempt to gauge how she was handling the situation. I tried to fight the impulse - after all, I'd easily been able to avoid looking at her over the past few days almost completely, but now suddenly with Victoria in the picture posing some sort of emotional threat to Bella I couldn't stop glancing toward her. Cursing, I kept telling myself over and over again that my girlfriend was sitting next to me, that she'd just flown in to see me from the other side of the country, that it should be her I focused on.

It was useless though, my gaze just kept sliding to her, taking her reactions in, no matter what I told myself. At one point I looked up to find Emmett staring at me, his eyes narrowed in warning. Apparently others had started noticing my behavior. He was right, I was only going to make this worse if I didn't get a grip on myself.

We made it through dinner without an explosion, which I decided to consider an accomplishment - though just barely. Victoria was still obviously seething, Emmett and Rose were on high defense, Alice seemed uncomfortable, Esme and Carlisle fluttered around nervously, Bella seemed oblivious to the tension surrounding her, and all the while Jasper sat there with an amused expression plastered on his face. I had no idea what was going on with him, but I decided I had neither the time nor the energy to try to figure him out right now.

When Esme announced that desert would be in half an hour or so, I excused Victoria and I from the table and headed up to my room, knowing that if she didn't vent her anger soon things would only get worse. Neither of us spoke on the way up, but once safely in my room with the door shut she turned on me, letting loose. "What the hell was that," she demanded.

"What was what," I asked, playing dumb to buy me some time.

"What was between you and that woman? Have you slept with her? Are you cheating on me?"

"I'm not cheating on you, and I think you know that that's not something I'd do. And I can honestly say that I've never slept with her."

"But there's something between you – that wasn't the look of two people who are only acquainted through shared friends or family."

"Look, it doesn't really matter. We used to know each other, we don't now – we're nothing to each other now, just strangers staying under the same roof."

"Like hell it doesn't matter – you couldn't take your eyes off of her. The entire dinner, you were ogling her. It was disgusting."

"I wasn't ogling her."

"_Edward!_ Who is she to you?"

Flopping back on my bed, I closed my eyes as I made a decision. The less Victoria knew the better, but I also knew that she wasn't going to let this go. Even that wouldn't really bother me if I thought that she would focus her anger and frustration on me, but I knew that the longer I fought to keep her in the dark the worse it would be for Bella. So I finally told Victoria about Bella, minimizing our past as much as I could.

"I guess you could say that she was my high school sweetheart – but that was long ago, we haven't been in touch since she moved."

"And suddenly after all of these years she's staying with your family for the summer? How did she get in touch with you brother and sister again," she asked.

I winced, wishing I didn't have to explain this part. "She never lost touch with Rose and Emmett – they moved out to Arizona with her shortly after she left."

"What? Why would they do that?"

"They were close with her, and when she moved the followed her to help her, because her mom was fighting cancer."

"So is that why you don't talk to them? Because they chose her over you, their own family?"

"That's why I don't talk to them," I said, leaving out the part where the pain of knowing that they were there, living with Bella, sharing in her life while I had been rejected, was too much for me to take. That was something I wouldn't even admit to Alice, that I just barely admitted to myself.

"Did you love her?"

"In the way a teenager thinks they love someone," I answered, knowing it was a lie. I've never lied to myself about the love I'd had for Bella, never minimized my feelings for her in an attempt to make myself feel better. I knew that I had once loved her with everything I had, no matter what my age had been.

"Do you love her still," she asked, and for the first time I could hear the hesitation in her voice.

"No," I answered. "My feelings for her died long ago."

"Then explain what happened downstairs, because right now I can't think of anything that would explain the emotions that were apparent between two of you without love as the cause."

"She's having a rough time, V, and seeing her downstairs made me realize how hard this would probably be for her. It was guilt I was feeling, nothing more."

"If the two of you were just high school sweethearts, why would this be so hard on her," she challenged.

"This is her first time coming back here since just after her dad's funeral, the first time she's been back since her mom died, not to mention, the first time we'd seen each other since we'd broken up, and now all of a sudden my girlfriend shows up – I think it'd be a lot for anyone to handle."

She stood quietly looking at me for what seemed liked forever, but I knew was more like a minute or two. Knowing how her mind worked, I knew that it would be weighing each and every part of my explanation, looking for errors, trying to ferret out any lies. I laid there, patiently waiting for her to reach a conclusion, knowing that this would determine the mood for the rest of our visit here.

Finally she made up her mind, and nodding her head she said, "All right. You should have told me all of this before I arrived, but it seems like there are a lot of things you should have told me about. It's become fairly clear that we need to work on your communication skills when this is over and we're back home."

"So you're OK," I asked, surprised that she was letting this go so easily.

"As of this minute, yes. We'll have to see how the rest of our stay here unfolds before I can make any long-term guarantees. Now, come on, we should head back downstairs before things get any more awkward than they already are."

I stood up to follow her out, thankful that this had gone as easily as it had. Knowing Victoria when she got mad, I knew this could have been catastrophic.

As we walked through the second floor, I was surprised to see Bella's bedroom door open. I figured she'd be safely entrenched in her lair by this point, avoiding anymore incidents. But as we joined the others downstairs, there she was, tucked between Rose and Emmett on the couch.

Involuntarily, I locked eyes with her, something passing between us as I did. Tearing my gaze away before any of the others noticed, I turned back towards Victoria, leading her over to the empty love-seat. From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella look out towards the window, and could only guess as to what was going through her head right now.

I felt off balance and unsettled, and found myself longing to get back some of the anger I had for Bella just a short while ago – it would make this situation so much easier. I knew it was too late for that though. Somehow, when faced with the prospect of Victoria and Bella staying under the same roof together, my anger for Bella had dissipated, and with it most of the anger I'd had for the world.

Looking around the room at all of my family together again for the first time in years, I realized that we'd have to establish new dynamics again. Things had to change between me, Alice and Jasper. I realized now that I'd been extremely unfair to them over the past few years. Even worse, though, was my treatment of Esme and Carlisle. I'd almost cut off all contact with them, simply because I wasn't strong enough to face connections to my past. I had to stop pulling away from everyone, for my own sake as much as theirs.

It was also time I tried to make peace with Rose and Emmett. I didn't know if it was possible at this point, but I knew I had to try. Because of Bella, they might not want me to be a part of their lives again, but at least I could try to establish some kind of communication with them again.

For the first time, I admitted to myself that it had been me who'd torn this family apart, not Bella, and it was time for me to start attempting to rectify that. I didn't know if I'd ever be able to repair all of the damage done over the past four years, or get past the guilt that came with admitting my blame, but it was time to try.

I owed it to this family to try to piece it back together again, and I knew that for that to happen I'd have to start by making peace with Bella. I told her earlier that I didn't think we'd ever be friends again, and I still didn't think we would, but I hoped that we'd at least be able to get to a point where we were comfortable around each other, and comfortable with hearing the occasional update on each other.

I found myself wondering if it was something that either of us would be capable of. We had four years worth of pain and anger, frustration and resentment, and harsh, harsh words to work through. It seemed like an insurmountable mountain to climb.

I was tired of carrying this kind of baggage around with me, and I thought that by letting it go maybe I could finally find some kind of happiness in my life again – something that had eluded me these past four years. Looking over at her, seeing how small and broken she looked, watching as she stared out the window, completely oblivious to the world happening around her, I thought that Bella too could do with carrying a little less baggage around with her. Hopefully I'd be able to help her make that happen – I wasn't sure how, especially with Victoria here with me, but I knew I'd have to at least try.

I had a lot of work to do, only a few days in which to do it, and a hell of a lot of obstacles to overcome – but on the plus side, if I failed, at least the consequences couldn't be worse than anything the last few years had thrown at any of us. Or, at least, so I desperately hoped.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

****_As always, I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter - drop me a line or two to let me whether you liked it or not. Also, I'd love to know how many of you are coming into this having already read His Salvation, and how many are starting with this story. For those of you coming into this as a sequel, how are you liking the changes in the characters' dynamic? Who was your favorite character during His Salvation, and are they the same this round? For those of you who've started with this story, has it been easy to read without having read the previous story first, or confusing? - I know, lol, a tall order in terms of reviews, but I'm curious how everyone is dealing with the fact that this is a sequel._

_Anyway, thanks again! Next chapter should be up sometime in the next few days. :o)_

_~TCG~  
><em>


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N:**

****_This chapter is a little on the long side, but it's just how it worked out. Some sections of this I hadn't planned to incorporate into the story until future chapters, but when I started writing this is just how it came out. Hope you like it!_

_As always, thank you for reading and thanks to those who take the time to review. :o)_

* * *

><p><strong>Bella<strong>

Invisible hands were suffocating me, constricting my body and my throat, slowly tightening their vice-like grip on me. My eyes teared up as all oxygen was cut off. I fought against them, kicking and flailing as best as I could, trying to call out for help but unable to while being deprived of air. No matter how I struggled, it was no use, I was trapped. How could you fight off something you couldn't see, something you couldn't grab? I was beginning to understand that it was impossible.

Just as I was sure I was going to lose consciousness, bringing about the end, I woke up in my room, gasping for air and tangled within the sheets. I freed myself from their soft prison, leaning over the bed as I coughed and choked, taking in blessed oxygen once again. The familiarity of the situation not escaping me, even as I struggled to catch my breath.

It was minutes before I felt like my lungs had their fill of oxygen and were working at capacity. I couldn't believe that I'd almost strangled myself in my sheets in the middle of the night. I could only imagine what the cause of death would've read. Normally I was a sound sleeper who barely moved, but I guess I'd been tossing and turning in my sleep. Then again, it's not like I didn't have a reason for being so restless.

_Victoria_. Even her name sounded passionate somehow, full of life. It seemed to suit her, as did her fiery red locks. Everything about her screamed vitality – life, love, passion, fire. Everything I was not. Or, at least, everything I wasn't right now.

I wanted to hate her, so bad. I wanted to be sworn mortal enemies with her, pledging to hate her straight till the end of time. The reality was, I just didn't have the energy right now to sustain that kind of emotion. I wanted to hate her, but all I could scrape up was indifference with a side of dislike. Maybe it was better that way – less complicated for me.

Laying there with the moonlight streaming in through my open curtains, I knew that sleep would be a long time off yet. I felt wide awake and, admittedly, still more than a little freaked out by my near death experience at the hands of my Egyptian Cotton sheets. Nobody wanted to go out that way – well, OK, possibly someone with an unhealthy linen fetish might, but outside of that I doubted anyone wanted their obituary to read "death by linen."

Deciding I didn't feel up to futilely tossing and turning over the next couple of hours in an effort to chase down the elusive Sandman, I slid across my murderous but still very silky sheets and climbed out of bed, grabbing my bathrobe as I did. A quick glance at my clock let me know that it was after three in the morning – which meant it was most likely safe to go downstairs and not have to worry about encountering anyone else.

I quietly crept out of my room and down the stairs, making my way into the music room. I'd felt drawn here since Rose, Em, and I had first arrived. Which was surprising, really – I'd thought the memories of this room would cause me pain, chase me away, instead I couldn't seem to keep away.

The room itself was large and sparsely furnished. It resembled a ballet studio in a way, with hardwood floors, white walls, mirrors along the one whole wall and windows along two of the others. At one time I think it had actually served as a ballet studio, back when Alice was dancing. It's sole purpose now, however, was to house the beautiful grand piano that sat like a masterpiece in the center of the room – Edward's piano. There were other instruments scattered about the room – some guitars, a keyboard, a drumset, even a cello – but the piano was the centerpiece of the collection, the prize.

As always, I found myself gravitating towards it. There was a comfortable sofa along the one wall and a big padded window-seat at the front of the room, but the piano is where I always started off. I lightly slid my hands down the ivory keys as I sat down on the bench in front of it.

Quietly, I pushed down on the keys, one by one. I wasn't trying to play anything, I'd never learned how, I just wanted to feel connected to it somehow. Memories of happier times overwhelmed me and I felt a tear escape, running down my cheek. I swiped it away and wondered why I kept feeling so drawn to this place when it made me feel so melancholy.

I wished that I could rewind my life, to go back to happier times. Looking around the darkened room, I remembered what it had felt like hanging out here with Edward for hours at a time – he'd play and I'd watch, or he'd attempt to teach me how to play, or we'd just sit talking. I'd felt so loved, so cherished – I wished I'd had that now.

I'd driven him away, though. I'd chosen this path for myself, and now I had to accept the consequences. I'd just been so afraid that I'd poison his life with whatever it was that was destroying mine – karma, fate, bad luck, whatever you wanted to call it, I didn't want it rubbing off on him.

* * *

><p>I barely remembered the night Charlie died. The knocking had woken me up and when I finally realized that Charlie wasn't getting up to answer the door, I went down to get it. I hadn't even realized that he hadn't made it home from work that night, that he wasn't safely sleeping in his bed. Looking through the window, I saw two of the deputies standing outside with Carlisle, Esme, and Edward – I knew then that something was very wrong. Everyone at the station had known how close Charlie and I had become with the Cullens', so I guess the deputies figured it would be easier on me having them there when they broke the news.<p>

In the end, it was Carlisle who told me, explaining that there had been an accident and that Charlie had died at the scene – there'd been nothing anyone could've done for him. I remembered thinking that there must've been some kind of mistake, that it was someone else they'd found, not Charlie. I told Carlisle that he was wrong, that it couldn't have been my dad.

It was though. And when I finally accepted that fact I broke down in sobs that wracked my whole body. Carlisle stepped towards me, wanting to comfort me, but I screamed at him, pushing him away from me. I didn't want comfort, didn't deserve it – Charlie had been dying while I'd slept peacefully in my room, not even aware he was in danger. What kind of daughter was I?

Edward, of course, was the one to reach me, to calm me down enough to let him touch me. Without him there, I'm not sure how I would have survived that night. He calmed me enough for Carlisle to give me a sedative, and sometime after that I fell asleep on the sofa, my head in Edward's lap as he sat guard over me.

In the morning, I'd woken up to a changed life, one without my father. Renee was flying in, she'd arrive later that afternoon, and with her even more changes. We'd stay a few weeks to bury Charlie and then decide what to do with everything – his house and everything in it, as well as a life insurance policy, were all in my name – but then I'd go with Renee back to our old house in Phoenix. When I asked why not to Jacksonville with Phil she told me she thought it would be easier for me to finish out school in a place I was already familiar with.

The last thing I wanted to do was to leave Edward and his family, so I fought against her. I was an adult, I should be able to live where I wanted to. But she wasn't willing to leave without me and she looked so tired and worn that I gave in, promising myself that it wouldn't be long till Edward and I graduated, and hopefully we'd find a college we could attend together.

Renee and I got settled into our old place, and I spoke to Edward and his family every day. We planned for me to come back soon for a visit. We'd missed each other but were surviving – this wouldn't be permanent, after all. And, in a way, I think it helped being there, where I wasn't constantly surrounded by things that reminded me of Charlie. I still missed him every single day, but I was able to wake up and move forward with my life.

Renee and Phil had been fighting a lot, eventually deciding to call it quits. As I laid there at night listening to Renee cry, I could only hope that I hadn't been responsible for their downfall. There were moments when I almost asked her, but I was afraid of her answer.

Beginning to realize that the tiredness I noticed during her visit to Forks wasn't going away, I started to worry about Renee. She looked pale and fragile, and had started losing weight. Finally, asking if she was all right, she admitted that she hadn't been feeling great as of late. Not too long after that we found out she'd had pancreatic cancer and that her chances of long-term survival weren't good.

I knew then that the course of my life had just changed. There'd be no going off to college with Edward, no happily ever after. It was just me and Renee left, and I was going to have to be the one to help her through this. She'd have to undergo surgery and chemotherapy, and then she'd have a long, painful fight ahead of her.

I'd lay awake at night, obsessing about how everywhere I went I seemed to bring horrible things with me. First, James' losing grip with reality and kidnapping me, almost killing me, then Charlie's death, Phil leaving Renee, and now this. I was like a bad omen, everywhere I went I brought death and destruction.

Knowing I couldn't destroy anyone else's lives, particularly not those of Edward and his family, I knew I had to stop seeing him. It was the last thing I wanted to do, and even just thinking it broke my heart in ways I hadn't even known were possible, but I couldn't contaminate his life with whatever it was that was causing so much destruction in mine.

Not to mention, our future would have to be put on hold indefinitely, while I nursed Renee. I couldn't make any plans, couldn't go off to college, couldn't focus on anything besides helping her get better, and I knew that wouldn't be fair to Edward, because it meant that his life would be on hold, too.

Which is how it came to be that a few weeks later I flew back home to Forks to say goodbye – to let go of people who had become my family, my life, so that when I went down I wouldn't take them down with me, wouldn't destroy them as I'd destroyed James, or Charlie, or Renee.

* * *

><p>I stood up, stroking the top of the piano as I did, and walked over to the window-seat, trying to pull myself out of the past – I spent too much time there lately, I knew. I wondered if I'd ever be able to find happiness again. It had been so long, I could barely remember what it felt like anymore to be happy.<p>

My mind went to Edward again, and Victoria. As much as I wanted to hate her, I hoped that she made him happy, something I knew he deserved. For the first time, I wondered what his life back in New York was like.

I knew nothing of his life out there. I wasn't even sure if he was in college. I thought that Rose and Em got updates on him from time to time from Esme or Carlisle, but I never asked and Edward was a topic neither of them ever broached with me. So his life in New York was a blank canvas to me, as was the man he'd grown into.

He was almost unrecognizable. Physically, he was as handsome as ever, but there was also a hardness to him that had never been there before. When he was in a room with the others he seemed to hold himself apart from everyone – as if he couldn't be bothered by them. While I understood his reasons for doing so, he'd lashed out at me with a viscousness that had taken me by surprise. If I hadn't known Emmett was on the other side of the room that night, come down to check on me, I might have actually been scared.

Even with Victoria, he seemed cold and aloof. I'd gathered that they'd been together a while now, yet there seemed to be almost no connection between them. He was a very physical person, yet I hadn't seen him reach out to her once, hadn't seen them hug or kiss, or even just hold hands. He was by her side whenever they were both downstairs together, but beyond that there was nothing. I wondered whether that was how they always were, or if it was a product of his being back here in Forks, with me in the house with them.

How awkward this must be for him. His girlfriend was here meeting his family for the first time and his ex was underfoot, and crazy to boot. I could imagine how much he just wanted this to be over with, particularly as I wanted the same thing.

Being here was hard enough, with him added into the picture it had been even worse, but with Victoria here it was like hell. I just wanted to escape, to run far away so that I didn't have to face the proof of his life having moved on without me – I'd always known it would, but I felt better without it having been confirmed for me.

Standing up, I suddenly felt claustrophobic and needed to get some air. It was a warm night, so I unlocked the front door and silently slipped out. I was barefoot and in my bathrobe, but I didn't care, I just needed to be somewhere else right now. Thankful that the moon was full, lighting the yard up enough for me to see, I headed down to the rock by the stream.

This place had always been soothing for me. Something about the sound the stream made as it meandered past had a calming affect on me. The Cullens' lived out past town, pretty much surrounded by the forest and nothing else. Which meant that often the only sounds you'd hear back here were natural ones. It was the perfect escape from the worries and stresses of life.

I don't know how long I'd been sitting out there – maybe a half hour, maybe longer – when I heard someone or something coming up behind me. Immediately my heart started beating in overdrive, as I worried that whatever was coming up behind me would pose a threat. I slid down the rock some, trying to shield myself from whatever was coming while still having a visual on the direction it was coming from.

I needn't have worried though, before whatever it was had come into view they called out, "It's just me." I breathed a sigh of relief as I recognized Edward's voice, for once thankful to see him.

He climbed up next to me, and when he was settled I thought to ask, "How did you know to call out? You couldn't have seen me from where you were to know anyone was even out here."

"I don't know, I just somehow knew you were here. Course, I could've been wrong and looked like an idiot, but somehow I just knew."

"Looked like an idiot in front of who, the deer?" I somehow managed to joke.

Nodding, he added, "And the fish."

"You would've never lived it down," I teased.

It was our first lighthearted conversation we'd had in years, and it was something that I never would have thought possible just a few short days ago.

"Couldn't sleep," I asked.

"No. You?"

"I was asleep, but I woke up and was unable to fall back," I explained, leaving off the bit about having to fight off my evil Egyptian Cotton attacker. I figured he didn't need to know about my homicidal sheets.

"Well, while we're out here I might as well take the opportunity to thank you for tonight – you handled the situation well."

I shrugged, saying, "I'm here in your home, expressly against your wishes, the last thing I have a right to do is stir up trouble for you."

"God, I was such a bastard, wasn't I? I'm sorry, I should never had said that to you. It's just, you'd totally caught me off guard by being here. The last thing I expected when coming back here was to find you staying here. But that doesn't excuse the things I said. I wanted to lash out at you, to hurt you, and that was the last thing you needed."

"I understood why you said what you said. And despite the harshness of your words, your point wasn't wrong. I really shouldn't have come stay here. In my defense, if I had known you were coming back I would have left before you'd gotten here."

"We can thank Esme and Carlisle for that – they apparently decided it would be better for all of us if none of us knew."

"Well, can you blame them? This had been their first chance in years to have all of their children under the same roof again, even if only for a few days. In their position, I might've tried the same thing," I said, defending them.

"Well, anyway, if being back here has helped you any then I'm glad you've come. And, you know, believe it or not, this was probably something I needed, as well."

I looked over at him, confused. "What do you mean," I asked, as I tried to read his face.

"Coming back here and seeing you, even if it was somewhat unexpectedly, has helped me let go of the anger that I've been holding onto for years. I feel, I don't know, somehow lighter because of it. I'm not sure that would've happened without seeing you again."

We sat there in comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying the quiet of the night. There were questions I wanted to ask him, but I was afraid of upsetting this new balance between us. Finally, I decided that I really had nothing to lose – no matter what happened here, in a few days he'd be back in New York and I'd be here and then eventually back to my life in Phoenix, and we'd probably never see each other again.

"So, does this mean we can talk, then," I asked, hesitantly.

"I thought we were talking," he said.

"No, I mean, is it alright if I ask you questions. Like, how is Alice? I mean, how is she really, not just what I'm seeing here."

"She's good. Her and Jasper and still going strong and she's enjoying the college she's attending."

"You guys don't go to school together?"

"Jasper and I do – we both go to New York University. Alice goes toParsons The New School For Design. They're not too far from each other, though."

"So she's happy," I asked.

"She misses you, I think. Actually, I think she misses both of us. But besides that, she's happy."

"How can she miss you? You're there with her."

"I hardly ever see them anymore. And when I do see them I don't talk to them. We're all out there together in the same city, blocks from each other, but we're not really there with each other," he answered.

"Why not?" I knew I probably shouldn't have asked, but curiosity got the better of me.

"I don't know, really. I don't think it was a conscious decision on my part. At first I think it just hurt to be around them, and then it just became a sort of habit to avoid them. It's something I plan on fixing when we go back home, though."

"Well, that's good."

"My turn. What about Rose and Emmett? How are they?"

"They're good. I mean, I think I've caused them a lot of stress lately, but they seem happy."

"You guys are all very close," he said, more like a statement than a question.

"Yeah. They were there with me the entire time my mom was fighting cancer. They actually moved in with us and helped take care of her. There's no way I could have done it without them – and particularly not without dropping out of college. I owe them so much."

"I doubt they see it like that," he said.

I shrugged, not really having an answer to that. Even if that were true and they didn't think I owed them anything, I knew the truth of it. I owed them more than I'd ever be able to repay.

"Are you happy with Victoria," I dared to ask, not sure how he'd take this.

This time it was his turn to shrug, though he did answer. "I'm not really sure happy is the right word, more like comfortable."

"But you two have been together for a while?"

"Two years now."

I fell quiet, not really sure if I wanted to know anything more about their relationship beyond that. Edward was the one to finally break the silence that was growing between us.

"What about you," he asked. "Any boyfriends back in Phoenix?"

"No. There's no one," I answered truthfully.

"What about in the past, any serious relationships over the last few years?"

"No, you don't understand – there's been no one. No serious or casual relationships since you," I explained, somewhat awkwardly.

"What? You're lying," he accused.

"Edward, think about it. Renee was dying of cancer, that didn't really give me a lot of time to go out and date. And then she passed away and I was consumed by grief for a while. By the time I should have been moving past my mourning I'd already begun struggling with depression. I had no interest in pursuing relationships, not to mention the time or the energy. I know it sounds crazy, but it's the truth."

"I'm sorry," he said, sounded dazed.

"It's not your fault, you had no way of knowing."

"No, I mean, I'm sorry things have been so rough for you – I'd had no idea. All this time I just imagined you happy without me, off living your life without a second thought for me, and that used to drive me crazy with anger. It seemed so unfair that I was so miserable and you were out being happy. I'm not even sure why I thought that now, exactly. I mean, I knew Renee was dying and that you'd be consumed with that, I'm not sure why I also thought you'd be out having a good old time. I guess it was just my misery taking over my common sense."

"There's never been a day when I didn't think about you – never been a day when I didn't wake up and think how much happier I'd be if you'd just been there by my side. Living my life without a second thought for you, well, that had never been an option for me," I explained, surprised by my honesty. But, this might be my only chance for it, so I was going to take advantage.

"Then _why,_" he asked, frustration in his voice. "Why did you tell me that you no longer loved me? That your life would be happier without me in it? You told me in this very spot that there was nothing between us anymore – and now you tell me that you never stopped thinking of me? Help me understand it, Bella."

"I didn't want to pull you under with me, Edward – any of you. I was miserable, and I knew it was only going to get worse. I had a long painful fight in front of me with Renee, one that would consume my life for I didn't know how long. All of the plans we'd made with each other, all of our dreams, they'd be put on hold indefinitely – possibly forever. How could I expect you to suffer like that with me? You'd given me so much, I couldn't hurt you that way – it would have been selfish of me."

"It destroyed me, you leaving. These past four years, I've been a ghost, a fragment of myself. You have no idea the pain I've gone through every single day," he said, and I could tell that he was doing his best to control his anger so that we could finish out this conversation.

"I do, Edward, because I've felt it, too. It's like part of my soul was missing – and how do you recover from losing part of yourself," I asked sadly.

"You don't," he answered for me. "It's not something you can recover from. You get up and you live your life, but that piece of you will always be missing."

We fell back into silence for a while before he finally asked, "Why did you let Rose and Emmett stay with you, then?"

"Because by that point I didn't have the strength to turn them away. I was afraid of what was in front of me, of not being strong enough for Renee. Plus, I was missing you and they were a connection."

"What would have happened if I'd followed you out, instead of them," he asked.

I thought back to the me of four years ago, trying to decide if I would've had the strength to turn him away. Would I have been strong enough to send him away a second time? I knew the answer to that – I'd known it after Rose and Em had shown up, known from that one moment when I'd allowed myself to wish it had been him instead of them to follow me. What I didn't know, though, was whether we would have survived the next couple of years intact. Would he've just ended up hating me for the sacrifices he'd have to make to stay with me? Would it have destroyed his life?

"I think some questions are better left unanswered," I said, knowing that no matter what I said it would end up hurting him.

"I wish you had given me a chance," he said, the sadness in his voice evident.

"And if I had, maybe you'd be sitting here wishing I hadn't."

"At least I would've known – I wouldn't be sitting here wondering what if."

"So what happens now," I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, I don't expect us to stay in touch with each other, but do you think you'll talk to Rose and Em again? Do you think you'll come back here to visit your parents more?"

"I'm going to try. I actually decided earlier that I needed to try to fix things between us. I'd always blamed you for tearing my family apart, but really it was my fault. I was the one who drew a line in the sand," he explained.

"I don't think it was unreasonable to expect your family to choose you over your ex," I said, coming to his defense.

"Not when that ex was you. You were a part of this family – I shouldn't have expected that to end because we were no longer together."

"Edward, I think with the way we broke up they would've had to pick sides – I'm just sorry that Rose and Em chose me. I'm sorry, I should have sent them back to you, I just didn't have the strength."

"Well, we're obviously both very sorry. There's nothing we can do to change the past, but maybe it's time we both started trying to fix the present."

"Hopefully that's what we're doing."

After a minute I asked, "Is Victoria going to worry about you?"

"She was asleep when I came out – I doubt she'll even realize I was ever gone."

"Do you want to go back to not talking to each other while in front of her? I won't blame you, if that's what you want. I'm sure it must be uncomfortable for her, with me here."

"No," he said, sounding amused. "This is kind of momentous on our part, I don't really want to lie about it. We're friends again, I won't act like there's anything wrong with that, not even for her."

"We're friends again," I asked, surprised.

"Aren't we? Wasn't that what all of this was for?"

"I don't know. I didn't really think about it. It just felt like we needed to talk, so I talked."

He laughed at that, actually laughed. "That's the first time I've heard you laugh since you came back," I pointed out.

"I think it's the first time I've laughed in months maybe, if I'm being honest."

"Well, I'm glad I could help bring it about," I said. And then, thinking about something that had been bothering me since earlier, I continued with, "Can I ask you something? Earlier tonight it seemed like Victoria had no idea who I was. I could see this moment happen where something clicked for her and she realized I was somehow connected to you. Did she really have no idea who I was?"

Once again Edward laughed, this time, though, he kept laughing until he was almost crying. And every time he'd look over at my obviously confused face he'd start laughing again. "What's so funny," I demanded.

"Not only did she not know about you," he said, still trying to catch his breath between giggles, "she actually didn't know that Emmett and Rose existed until just a couple of days ago."

"What?" I asked, shocked. "How is that even possible, Edward? You've been together two years and she didn't know you had an adopted brother and sister?"

"I can go a step further - even though she saw Jasper on a fairly regular basis, she didn't realize that he was also my adopted brother. She knew Alice was my sister, but that's it."

"Wow," I said, barely able to believe what he was saying. "Why wouldn't you tell her something so basic?"

Sobering up, he answered with, "Because it would lead to questions I hadn't wanted to answer. I mean, I didn't really plan to keep her in the dark so long. At first I just didn't want to talk about my past, and after a while I knew I should'veve told her, but I'd already gone so long without having done so that it was just easier not telling her."

"Well, all things considered, she'd handled last night pretty well, then."

"She was on her best behavior at first because she didn't know what was going on, and because Esme and Carlisle were there and she's hoping to impress them."

"But when you two came back downstairs she seemed fine."

"Oh that. Well, possibly that's because I might not have been exactly truthful about the extent of our past relationship."

"Oh boy," I said.

"I know, I'll have to tell her eventually. I just thought that it would be better for all of us if it wasn't while you two were under the same roof together."

I couldn't fault him for that. As much as she disliked me now, I could only imagine how much worse this situation would be if she realized that Edward had under-exaggerated our history.

"Well, good luck with that when you get back home," I said, meaning it. I hoped his relationship wouldn't be ruined over this awkwardness.

"Thanks," he said with a little laugh.

I realized with a shock that the sun was coming up on the horizon, signaling the break of dawn. We must have been out here talking for a couple of hours, though it definitely hadn't felt that long.

I knew we should probably call it a night. I had no real faith that once this night ended and the realities of the day set in that we'd be able to continue with this comfortable friendship we'd suddenly forged out of nowhere, but I knew that with each passing moment the chances of Victoria waking up to realize Edward was gone were getting higher. So with a sigh of regret I said, "It's getting late – or early rather – we should probably head in."

Nodding his head in agreement, he stood up and swiped at the seat of his pants, trying to get any dirt he might have picked up off. I followed suit and then together we climbed down off the rock – both of us in pajamas, me in bare feet, him in a pair of sandals.

This had certainly been an unexpected night, I thought to myself, as we started walking towards the house. It seemed like he'd been continuously surprising me since his arrival here – sometimes in a bad way, like in the music room that first night, and sometimes in a good way, like tonight.

Suddenly it occurred to me to ask, "So does this mean you've forgiven me?"

He stopped in the middle of the lawn to turn to look at me, causing me to stop with him. "Forgive you for what?"

"You know, for everything I've done to you - for breaking up with you, dividing your family, for taking Rose and Em away from you. Does this mean that you've forgiven me for those things?"

"No," he began, and I instantly felt disappointment wash over me, not realizing how much I'd hoped that he'd say yes. He continued though, saying, "This means I've finally realized that there was nothing for me to forgive. You did what you had to do, and if I was a better man I would have been there helping you, not on the other side of the country letting my anger and resentment get the best of me. It's time we stopped blaming each other and ourselves and started moving forward with our lives – it seems like that's something we both really need."

Feeling much lighter, I nodded my head in agreement, not quite believing that this had turned out as well as it had. We turned and started walking back towards the house again.

It looked like everyone was still sound asleep, as the house was dark. Looking over my shoulder, I could see more of the sun starting to peak out over the horizon. I was glad I had black-out shades in my room, otherwise I might not have been getting any sleep this night.

We climbed the steps silently and were about to head inside when Edward paused, his hand on the doorknob, turning to me and quietly saying, "Bella, no matter what happens with us – whether we go back to our separate lives and never speak to each other again, or we remain in contact – no matter what this night leads to, I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad we had the chance to talk. And maybe nothing will change because of this, but just know that I've never stopped missing you."

"Me neither," I answered quietly, hoping he'd hear the sincerity in my voice.

He gave a quick nod, letting me know he understood. Then, suddenly, something in his expression changed – his face seemed to soften, making me very aware of how close we were standing to each other. His hand slowly came up, hesitating at the last second, before he seemed to make a decision. He touched a lock of my hair that had escaped the quick ponytail I'd thrown it in before laying down tonight. Softly he stroked it before tucking it gently back behind my ear. He ran the back of his hand lightly down my cheek before lowering it, closing his eyes as he did.

For a moment he looked as if he was struggling, then he opened his eyes and I knew the whatever had just happened between us had passed. He gave me a sad smile before opening the door and heading in. I let out the breath I hadn't even known I'd been holding.

I knew that whatever that had just been, it could mean nothing. In one way or another, we'd both moved on and he was here with his girlfriend. I'd place the chance of us ever having a relationship together at about nil. But it was hard to rationalize all of that as my stomach did wild flip-flops and my heart raced a mile a minute. No matter what the history was between us, or how much time or distance was between us, I knew that something inside of me would always long for Edward. Which meant that something like that, no matter how innocent he might have meant it, was dangerous for me. I didn't want to start longing for things that were well off limits to me.

Determining to be careful, both in his presence and with my own heart, I followed him inside. The last thing I needed to do was accidentally fall for my ex, who had a girlfriend and lived on the other side of the country as me. I was here to get healthy, and somehow I doubted that would be the best way to go about doing so.

With a sigh, I hunted down my bed, wondering as I did what tomorrow would bring. If things really had changed between Edward and me, I knew that we'd have a lot of explaining to do to the others. I couldn't even begin to imagine how that would go with Rose and Em, whom I'm sure would be totally against the idea of a friendship with Edward again.

Just before I drifted off to sleep I chuckled to myself, realizing that no matter how bad I might have it, having to deal with Rose and Em, I felt sure that it was nothing to what Edward would face with Victoria. I knew it was wrong of me to take pleasure in that, but deciding I didn't care I closed my eyes and fell asleep, dreaming of enigmatic boys with disheveled copper hair and green eyes that still managed to melt me to my very soul...

**A/N:**

_Thanks again! Reviews are like chocolate - delicious and good for the soul! lol_

~TCG~


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:**

****_So, took a little longer to get this one up, but there's a good reason for that. I was almost finished writing it - literally had about two paragraphs left - when my computer shut down and I lost half of it. I have no idea how - I work on NeoOffice, which is supposed to backup your work every twenty minutes or so automatically. My computer has frozen up on me before, causing me to have to force a restart, and every time whatever it was I was working on was there waiting for me when I opened up NeoOffice again, like magic. Not this time, though. Half of it was just gone - poof - like it had never existed. AND THEN, being the obsessive dumbass that I am, I couldn't just give up on it - I was determined to find the lost section of my chapter. Dumbass. And, in the process of trying to futilely find the lost half, I somehow managed to lose the entire thing. BAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSS. Seriously. Balls. I was so disgusted with the whole thing and with myself that I just couldn't work on it for a few days. It was kind of tragic, really. I walked around complaining loudly, and I'm sure annoyingly, to anyone who would listen. I thought about quitting. I cursed my computer. A lot. Then I cursed NeoOffice. A lot, as well. I mean, I've lost chapters here and there before, but usually when it happens I see it as a sign that the chapter was lacking something and needed to be rewritten anyway - but this time I had the damn thing exactly the way I wanted it. So rewriting it meant sitting here wracking my very holey memory, trying to remember what I'd written and how I'd written it. I was very pissy for a few days, but I've obviously worked through it. Well, maybe not the pissyness, but I did finish the damn rewrite. Raise your hand if you're nervous right now that my bad mood caused me to kill off one of the main characters - like, say, Edward. _

_Nahhhhh, I wouldn't do that to you. Not yet, anyway._

_I keed, I keed. No killing of Edward, now or in the future - no matter how pissy I get. Anyway, what follows is as close as I could get it. Show some love or I might beat you with my NeoOffice. ;op_

* * *

><p><strong>Edward<strong>

The next morning Victoria woke me after she'd gotten up and showered. Looking at the clock, I groaned in frustration, realizing I'd only had about two hours of sleep last night. The exhaustion I felt was almost enough to make me regret staying up till the early hours of the morn. Almost.

It was amazing how much of a difference one night had made for me. Despite the tiredness, I felt better than I had in years, more at peace somehow. I had to fight the urge to smile, realizing that I was actually in a good mood.

Getting up, I hopped into the shower without any fanfare, and then got dressed and ready to head downstairs. When I came out of the bathroom I found Victoria sprawled out on the bed, reading a book. Not really feeling up to talking, I asked her if she was ready to head downstairs and she answered that she was.

Nearing Bella's room on the second floor, I was suddenly incredibly envious that she got to sleep in today. I would have paid good money to go back up to my room and burrow under my covers again. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

As I was walking past Bella's door, impulsively my arm shot out and banged twice on her door, loudly. If I had to be awake then so did she. I knew she was a light enough sleeper that that would have her up, and that she'd probably be startled enough where she wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. I smiled mischievously, never slowing my pace.

Victoria, startled by the sound of my banging, turned around to look at me with an exasperated look on her face, whispering furiously, "What the hell was that?"

I smiled innocently at her, whispering back, "Just a friendly morning wake-up call."

She narrowed her eyes at me, and I could tell my flippant answer had annoyed her, but I knew she wouldn't want to pick a fight in the hallway out in front of Bella's room, so instead she turned and headed down the stairs. I only hoped that someone else in the house would be awake and downstairs, sparing me from an argument.

To my luck, everyone else in the house was awake and in the kitchen. Esme, Rose, and Emmett were making breakfast, while Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper sat at the table talking. I headed directly over to the coffee maker and Esme, taking a look at me, handed me a nice big mug of hot heavenly goodness. "Rough night?" she asked, quietly, while Victoria was distracted with saying good morning to the others.

"Nope," I said. "Just a late one. Need any help with breakfast?"

"I think we have it covered, go sit down with your coffee and relax," she said, as she handed me another mug for Victoria.

"Do you have anything planned for today," Carlisle asked, when I sat down next to Victoria at the table.

"Nope, nothing that I know of," I said. "Why, did you have something in mind?"

"As a matter of fact, I did. I was hoping we could all go over and visit Charlie," he said.

"Who's Charlie," Victoria asked.

Alice was the one who answered, saying, "Bella's dad."

"But I thought both of her parents had passed away," Victoria said, confusion in her voice.

"They did, he means go visit Charlie's grave," I answered.

"But, uh..." Victoria started before trailing off. It was obvious she wanted to ask why we'd all go visit Bella's father's grave, but didn't want to come off sounding insensitive.

"He was a very good friend of ours, Victoria, and we haven't all been over there as a family since not long after he passed away. I just thought it would be nice for all of us to go over there and pay our respects," Carlisle explained to her.

"Pay our respects to who," Emmett asked, coming up behind us and catching the tail end of the conversation.

"To Charlie," Carlisle answered.

"No," Emmett said, without hesitation.

"Emmett," Carlisle began, before Emmett interrupted him.

"If Bella wants to go over to visit him, Rose and I will take her over. It's better that way. I don't think all of us going over together would be very good for her, and right now she's the only one in this who matters," he said, looking pointedly and Victoria and me as he spoke.

I knew he had a point. Despite the progress we had made last night, I doubted Bella was at the point where she'd want Victoria and I tagging along to Charlie's grave. I did want to stop by and pay my respects while I was back here, but I thought another time would be better. "He's right," I said. "Victoria and I can stay here while you guys go over there, or we can go out and do something. It'll probably be better if we're not with you."

"Edward, this is something I think we should do together, as a family. I think that Charlie would want it that way," Carlisle said.

Before I could argue again, Alice cut in, saying, "Why don't we leave it up to Bella?"

"Leave what up to me?" We turned to find Bella leaning in the kitchen doorway, looking curiously at us.

Taking advantage of the fact that I had to turn away from Victoria to see Bella, I let my gaze wander over her while Carlisle filled her in on our discussion. She hadn't bothered drying her hair, and her damp locks hung loosely down her pack, stopping right above her waist. She had on tight black leather pants, with bare feet, and a loose, sleeveless white tunic style shirt that ended right below her hips. She topped the outfit off with a leather bracelet on one wrist and silver bangles on the other. If she was tired, she disguised it well, using makeup to give her eyes a smokey look, hiding any clues to her possible exhaustion.

Overall, the look was sexy as hell on her, not to mention a bit badass. It wasn't a look I was used to seeing on her though, as she was usually a jeans and tee shirt kind of girl, so I turned to Emmett and Rose to see if they reacted at all to the way she was dressed. When neither of them did, I guessed that this was normal for her.

I turned to Alice, raising my eyebrow slightly at her in question. From the expression on her face, I could tell that she too was adjusting to this new Bella. She looked over at me, shrugging slightly to let me know that she was as surprised by this new development as I was.

Turning back towards Bella, I realized how weird it was for me, trying to piece together who she was now through little clues, and through watching her interactions with Emmett and Rose. There was a time, not so very long ago, where I'd known her better than anyone else in this room, and now I was left sifting through little tidbits here and there, trying to get a read on her personality. It was disconcerting.

"When Carlisle had finished explaining to her what he wanted to do, she stood there quietly, with her arms crossed protectively in front of her, thinking. Ever so slightly, her eyes shifted to me, and thinking she was looking for some kind of confirmation from me that our truce from last night still held, I winked at her.

She nodded in return, just enough for me to see but not so much that I thought the others would pick up on it, and said, "Alright, that's fine with me."

"Bells, baby, we can do this with just us, if you want, or even another time if you're not up to it today. You don't have to do this," Emmett said, looking at her with concern evident on his face.

"No, it's OK. I think Carlisle has a point, that Charlie would appreciate us all going over together, while we're all in town."

He looked like he wanted to argue with her, but in the end he nodded his head, letting her be the one to make the call.

"Maybe we could do something fun together afterward, if no one has any plans," Esme said, as she placed the eggs on the table for breakfast.

"That would be a nice distraction," Carlisle said. "Anyone have any objections?" When no one did he asked, "OK, then, does anyone have any ideas for something we could all do together?"

"We could go hiking," Jasper chimed in. "It's a beautiful day out, and I think it would be fun to head on up to the trails.

I knew Victoria was probably cringing at the idea, not being much of an outdoors person, but instead of objecting to the idea she said, "I don't have any shoes appropriate for hiking with me."

"What size do you wear," Esme asked.

"A seven-and-a-half."

"I've got a pair that will probably fit you. Or, if you prefer, we could stop at the sporting goods store to pick you up a new pair. It's on the way out of town, anyway, so it wouldn't be a problem."

"I'm fine with borrowing them, if you don't mind," she replied. I knew she wouldn't want to buy a pair if she could help it, as she'd likely never use them again.

I hadn't brought hiking shoes with me, either, but I knew I had an old pair up in my closet still that I thought would fit. When the others didn't chime in about needing boots, I assumed they did, as well. Knowing that Bella didn't have a pair here, I wondered if she'd brought something appropriate with her, finally figuring she must have.

"OK, it's settled then. After breakfast we all go up and change into some hiking-appropriate clothes, and then we'll go see Charlie before we head up to the trails. We have a couple packs around that we can use to bring a few supplies with us," Carlisle said, sounding happier than he had since we'd arrived. If nothing else, hiking would help him get his mind of the loss of his friend, Alistair.

* * *

><p>Just over an hour later, I found myself alone outside, leaning against my car. Victoria was upstairs with Esme, who was helping her find some hiking-friendly clothes to wear. I assumed the others were still getting ready, as well, or helping Carlisle get some supplies together. I slipped outside to get a minute by myself.<p>

Jasper was right, it really was a beautiful day. It was warm without being uncomfortably so, with a slight breeze blowing, which I thought would keep us from overheating on our hike. The sun was out in full force, something that rarely happened in this part of the country. It seemed like the perfect day to head up the trails.

I had my eyes closed and was soaking in the sun when I heard the front door open. Opening my eyes to see who had joined me, I was surprised to find it was Bella.

She had changed into a forest green pair of, what I thought was, Yoga Pants. She had on a fitted brown tee, and her hair was up in a loose ponytail, with a couple of light curls escaping, framing her face. Looking down at her shoes, I smiled to find her wearing a pair of purple Dr. Martins, giving her outfit a bit of quirky personality. It was a casual look, but she somehow made it seem beautiful.

As she joined me by my car, I thought to ask, "Are you sure you're OK with this? And I don't just mean Victoria and me coming along to Charlie's grave with you guys, but the whole going hiking directly after visiting him? Would you rather wait till we're all dressed more appropriately?"

"No, I actually think it's perfect this way. Charlie was such an outdoor person – he loved fishing, hiking, and camping more than almost anything else – I think he'd appreciate that we're visiting him on our way up the trails. I'm sure it would put a smile on his face," she said, wistfully.

"OK, just thought I'd check. I didn't want you to feel forced into something you didn't want to do."

"It's fine. Thanks, though, for asking."

We were quiet for a few moments, before I broke the silence, saying, "You know, I realized when we were inside how weird this all is for me. I used to know you better than anyone, and now I'm trying to piece together clues about you from your interactions with Rose and Emmett. It's somewhat awkward, in a way."

She smiled sadly before saying, "Now immagine how it is for me, having to do the same for you, but having to use your girlfriend as my guide."

And just like that, I realized how much harder this was for her. As frustrating as it was for me, having to use Rose and Emmett to figure her out, I couldn't immagine how much worse it would have been if I had to try to pick up clues from some boyfriend of her. Uncomfortable didn't cut it, I'd be miserable and angry, that is if I even bothered trying.

It made me appreciate how well she was handling this whole situation, how gracefully. She hadn't complained once, or tried to make things harder for me, she hadn't even shown how miserable I knew she had to be. She could have made this bad for me, but she handled the situation with compuser and grace. I started to tell her as much, when the front door opened again and Emmett and Rose came out.

"Everything OK," Emmett asked Bella, as they approached us.

"It's fine, Em. Really. Edward and I have talked and we're OK with each other again. So you guys don't have to worry, alright?"

"When did you talk," he asked, his eyes narrowing slightly. "Because you couldn't have possibly hashed it out in the short amount of time you've been out here, and this is the first time you guys have talked alone."

Bella looked uncomfortable, and I could tell that she didn't want to answer the question. I didn't know why, though – what did it matter when we talked, as long as we had the chance to, and to make peace with each other. So as the seconds ticked on without her answering, I spoke up, saying, "We talked last night."

"When last night," Rose asked, confusion in her voice. "We were with Bella all night, until she headed up to her room."

"I couldn't sleep, so I went outside and sat on the rock by the creek. I guess Edward couldn't sleep either, and he ended up out there too. We had the chance to talk things through," Bella explained.

Suddenly, I was slammed back against my car, pinned there by Emmett's large hands. It briefly crossed my mind that apparently the when of our conversation did in fact matter, if Emmett's reaction was any guide.

"What the fuck are you doing," he growled at me, his face inches from mine.

Frustrated at his reaction, I tried pushing him away, knowing it was futile. "What are _you_ doing, Emmett? Let me go. Nothing at all inappropriate happened, so get off me you big jackass."

Instead of letting go, he got more intense, saying, "Listen to me, you fucker, if you lead her on in any way, if you hurt her, I will make you regret it."

"Emmett! Let go," Bella said, placing her hand on his arm as she did. He shoved me one more time, and then amazingly he listened to her, letting me go and then backing up a few steps. He still looked pissed off as hell, though.

Bella stepped in front of him, staring him down. Well, considering his size, staring up at him, really. "_Nothing_ happened. We talked, that's it. He hasn't led me on – how could he, he's here with his girlfriend. Something which he's never tried to disguise. I'm not in any danger of falling for him again and he's not interested in anything besides friendship. We just talked. We happened to be at the same place by ourselves last night and we used the opportunity to work through some issues. It's as simple as that. So calm down, I'm fine – I promise."

When she was done talking, a noise came from behind Emmett. He shifted slightly, turning to find the source of the noise, and when he did Victoria came into view, staring daggers at us all. I groaned, knowing this whole situation had just gone to hell.

We were spared an immediate confrontation when Carlisle, Esme, Alice, and Jasper came out, but I knew it would only save me for a few minutes, as Victoria and I were taking my car together.

It started as soon as we pulled out of the driveway. "Did you sneak out of bed to meet up with her in the middle of the night last night," she hissed at me.

"No, of course not. I couldn't sleep so I went out back to sit by the stream for a bit – she just happened to already be back there."

"Why didn't you come back inside then," she demanded.

"Because we're both adults, and talking to each other alone for a little while shouldn't be that big of a deal."

"My boyfriend sneaking out in the middle of the night to steal a few minutes away with his ex-girlfriend is a big deal to me."

"Victoria, I didn't sneak away. It really wasn't a big deal. We both ended up at there at the same time, so we talked – it's something we should have done years ago," I explained.

"What's going on here, Edward? I mean, you come back here and I find out that there's this whole side of you you haven't been telling me about. Then your ex-girlfriend is staying here and it's like, she has this pull on you somehow. I feel like we're being pulled apart here."

"There's no difference between us now than there was a few days ago, V. I understand that things are probably weird for you here, but nothing has changed. You're over-thinking this."

We pulled up to the cemetary, behind Carlisle's car, and parked. We sat there in silence for a few moments while the others got out and headed over to Charlie's grave. I looked over at her, waiting to see if she was going to let this drop for the time being. "I think we need to talk, Edward, though obviously not now. Can we make it a point to sit down sometime tonight and have a discussion?"

Sighing, I nodded my head in agreement, knowing it needed to happen. Then I asked, "Are you coming," as I opened the door.

"No," she said. "I didn't know him and I don't know Bella, I don't think it's appropriate for me to be there right now. You go, I'll wait here."

I thought about telling her that she was wrong, but I was too relieved to do so. She was right, it didn't feel appropriate for her being there right now. This was something we needed to do as a family, and she wasn't part of the family. So I told her I wouldn't be long, then got out of the car and joined the others.

It seemed wrong that we'd be visiting Charlie's grave on such a beautiful day. It just felt like it should have been damp and overcast, to reflect the sadness of visiting him in such a place. But, as usual, Mother Nature wasn't compliant, and instead of a dreary day there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

I found them already at the grave. Bella was sandwiched in between Rose and Emmett, and she just seemed so small, so fragile. I could only see her from behind, but I could tell that she was crying. I knew this had to be a hard moment for her – this was the first time she'd come back to see him since her one visit a few weeks after Charlie's funeral.

I knew that it was my fault, too – she stayed away to avoid me, and to give me my space. And I think, like me, she'd run from our memories here. It was hard to believe that a high school romance could shape two people's lives for so long after the relationship had ended, but I knew that ours had.

I resisted the urge to look back towards the car at Victoria. I knew that I was dangerously close to comparing our relationship to what I once had with Bella, and I knew that was unjust of me. So much of my relationship with Victoria was shaped by my past, and my need to run from it. With Bella, I'd given my all – with Victoria, I always held something back. In truth, I held a lot back. We'd been together two years, yet I couldn't seem to drum up any strong feelings towards her. I felt more like I'd gotten used to her in my life than that I loved her or something.

Realizing the direction my thoughts had taken, I had to take a step back and remind myself of where I was. Now wasn't the time or the place to be evaluating my relationship with Victoria. I knew that moment was coming soon, but it shouldn't be now.

I wanted to go up and comfort Bella, to be someone she could rely on now, of all times – but I knew I had no right, or place, to do so. That was left to Rose and Emmett now. And once again, looking at the three of them, I could see how much of a unit they'd become. Bella had no problem leaning on them for support, and they protectively engulfed her. Even Rose, who always seemed to be uncomfortable with physical diplays of affection, always seemed to be comforting her now through hugs, or by holding her hand, or placing her arm around Bella's shoulder. It was obvious that she was far more comfortable with Bella than she ever had been with any us. It made me want to try to talk to Rose, to see what the past few years had been like for her.

I admitted to myself that I was a tad jealous of the relationship they'd developed. Part of me still felt like it should have been me there, wrapping my arms around her for comfort. I should have been the one helping her through this. But I wasn't. That's not the course my life, or hers, had taken, and I needed to accept that. Finally, and completely.

Esme and Carlisle went over to Bella, each of them giving her a hug of reassurance, letting her know they were there for her. Alice sat on the ground, next to Charlie's grave, while Jasper kneeled behind her, taking everything in. I was tempted to go up to Bella, but I didn't know how Rose or Emmett would react to that, and I didn't want to push them here. So I held back, until the others were filing back to the cars.

Walking over, I kneeled down by his headstone, running my hands across the engraving of his name. "Charles Cooper Swan – Loving Father – Protector of Forks," it read. I thought he would have liked it, it mentioned the two things in this world he really loved.

I peaked back, to make sure the others were far enough away, before saying, "I'm sorry, Charlie. I know I let you down. I let me down, too. I should have been there for her, and I wasn't. I used to say that I'd protect her forever, but when the first real test showed up I failed. I know there's no way I can make it up to you, or to undo the damage of these past few years, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry. You'll be happy to know, though, that Rose and Emmett have been there for her, keeping her safe. You should see the three of them together. You'd be proud of the way they've stepped up when they thought she needed them. She'll always have them, keeping watch of her for you. I'm just sorry it wasn't me."

With that, I wiped away the lone tear that had escaped, running down my cheek, before I stood up to head back to the car. When I turned around it was to find Alice standing behind me, almost causing me to jump out of my skin. I know she hadn't been there a minute ago – when I checked she was on her way back to the cars with the others, Jasper's arm tucked around her. But here she was, staring at me like she was working something out.

I waited for her to say something, which she finally did. "It's quite a big mess."

I closed my eyes, knowing without having to ask what she meant. "It is. One that I think is too late to fix."

"You're trying, though," she asked, the curiosity in her voice clear.

"Depends on what you mean by trying. I'm not trying to win her back, if that's what you're asking. Even if Victoria wasn't in the picture, I don't think that's something I'd want at this point. Too much has happened, too much has changed. But am I trying to get past everything? To help her get past it? Yes, that I am trying to fix," I explained honestly, knowing there was no point to lie to her.

"Good," she said. Then she smiled and walked over to me, giving me a big hug. "It's good to have you back again, Edward. I've missed you."

"I never went anywhere," I said. "I've been with you in New York this whole time."

"That person wasn't you. I haven't been able to reach the real you in years – I was starting to think he was gone for good. I'm glad to find that's not true," she said, leaning back to smile up at me. And then with a nod of her head, she stepped away and went off to join the others.

With a sigh, I followed after her, realizing once again how much I'd screwed things up these past few years. I could only be thankful that she'd waited around all these years, and seemed willing to give me a chance to fix things. Looking at the others as they climbed into the cars, I hoped that they'd be as willing to give me a second chance as Alice seemed to be. I knew with Rose and Emmett, that I had a lot of work on my hands still.

I thought it was worth it, though, if it meant having a shot at repairing the damage I'd done to my family. With a last look back towards Charlie, I walked over and climbed into the car, where Victoria sat waiting for me.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

_Blah blah blah blah - pointless drivel here. Leave a review so that I don't sneak into your house while you're sleeping and beat you with my NeoOffice. Don't ask how I know where you live - I just do. ;op_

~TCG~


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